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Sekrits Of Takezaki Suenaga’s Mongol Invasion


Recently my pal Tatsu over at the Samurai Archives put up a post on the Shogun-ki concernin’ the History Channel’s new ‘Dragon’s Triangle’ special. Here’s a link to it if ya ain’t seen it already. Among other things it says there was a flyin’ saucer that washed up on shore in Japan in 1803 with an alien gal on board and that the Mongol invasions of 1274 and 1281 were foiled by typhoons created by a sekrit underground alien base. Now, for some reason unbeknownst to me, Tatsu seems to think this is all straightforward BS. I can’t for the life of me figure out why, though. My pals at the Weekly World News corroborated every bit of information the show provided and even added a few things it didn’t bring up. Now, the Weekly World News is gold-they’ve provided irrefutable proof that Michelle Obama is havin’ an affair with space alien P’Lod and that Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein had a gay marriage, so this is child’s play. Despite the efforts of government big shots and the rich and famous to shut the mag down, it’s still hidin’ out inside the covers of its former rival, The Sun.

Anyway, back to the original point. Most of you know all about Takezaki Suenaga’s Mongol Scrolls, a pictorial history of the two invasions prepared by the greedy samurai Suenaga who used them to petition the Kamakura bakufu for rewards for his acts of bravery (never mind that they seemed to be more along the lines of acts of stupidity). Most of ya know that certain things were added to, altered, and erased from the original scrolls over the centuries as they were restored, copied, and otherwise meddled with-Thomas Conlan gives the details in his book “In Little Need Of Divine Intervention”. But one thing’s for sure-the original scrolls are in the safekeepin’ of the Imperial Household Agency, which means ain’t none of us that stands a prayer of ever gettin’ to lay eyes on ‘em. And why is that? Because then the truth would come out…

Yes! It’s true! The Brickster knows a thing or two about gainin’ access to places where he really shouldn’t oughta be, and through the graces of a young gal at the IHA archives that turned out to be a big fan, I found myself checkin’ out the honest to goodness, pristine, untouched Mongol Invasion Scrolls. Don’t buy that crap about how they’ve become faded over the years and suffered water damage, etc-they’re every bit as sharp as when they were drawn. HERE’S the real reason why they don’t want you to see them:

That’s right-solid evidence that the undersea alien race of Seatopia (rarely glimpsed outside of Gojira movies) took part in drivin’ out the Mongol assaults. This, of course, is one of the more famous parts of the scroll because of (in the top part) what was assumed to be a Mongol bomb explodin’. But in all the copies available to the public, the babe in the saucer has been excised, leavin’ a noticeable blank spot that stands out like a sore thumb. It all fits! That ‘Mongol Bomb’ was actually headin’ the other way (see the exhaust?)-it’s a guided missile bein’ controlled by alien babe-see those stage three boosters droppin' off? Suenaga’s horse is rearin’ in fear of the flyin’ saucer that just cut in front of it to protect Suenaga. The Mongols are pepperin’ the Seatopia cruiser with arrows in an attempt to bring it down (as if). If you’re familiar with the idiotic way Suenaga acted durin’ both invasions, it’s obvious that alien intervention is the only way he could have survived. So let the truth be known. If some egghead quiche eatin’ member of academia wants to cast aspersions on my research-well, Mr. Smarty-pants, just get access to the original scrolls and check fer yerself! Yeah, I didn’t think so. The Brickster has invaded your quarter acre of land and kicked yer butt right offa’ it.

Now, the next mystery to be solved is why the Seatopians didn’t lay waste to the American fleet when they got near to Japan in WWII. I’m in the process of doin’ some heavy research into this matter. I think it might have somethin’ to do with them not wantin’ to bail out the lowlife Loyalists that overthrew the bakufu and ended the samurai era.

Super Gaijin

I suppose with the movie "Kick-Ass" playin' on big screens everywhere it was just a matter of time until we started gettin' would be superheroes runnin' around the urban landscape. And no country in the world is more susceptible to that kind'a crap than Japan. Just think 'Zebraman' or any of the after-school shows where kids are superheroes. Yep, it's obvious Japan needs a hero-what they got was Super Gaijin:

For you anime geeks and those of you playin' along at home, here are the English lyrics to the theme song:

Everybody in Japan, don't worry
It's O.K., because I'm a Gaijin
From now on, I'll save you
I'm a Gaijin ... cool

I don't understand Japanese
I want to speak English
From now on, I'll teach you
I'm a Gaijin ... cool

I've been all over Japan
Everybody says they like me
But I don't pay attention
I don't really like nato

I'm strong because I'm a Gaijin
Japanese people are delicious rice snacks
Super Gaijin is right here
In Japan ... Tochigi prefecture is famous

me, me, me
Gaijin, Gaijin, Gaijin
save, save, save you
super, super, super cool

I came from abroad
I'm a gaijin, nice to meet 'ya
I like samurai
I like bonsai plants

Before I came to Japan, I watched manga
I thought that was cool
And so I came to Japan
I'm a Gaijin, nice to meet 'ya

Everyday, everyday I enjoy Japan
Everywhere I hear, "Save me!"
If that's the case,
Look! Here is a Gaijin

Don't worry, I'm here
Don't worry, Gaijin's skills
are numerous, so I can't lose
Japanese people and Gaijin ... fly!

me, me, me
Gaijin, Gaijin, Gaijin
save, save, save you
super, super, super cool

Now, as you might imagine, the Brickster is none too pleased about this turn of events. Mainly cuz I didn't come up with it first. Anyone who cooks up a scheme like this is deservin' of my respect, and while it ain't quite up there with 'naked fat guy swims in the moat at the Emperor's Castle', it's still a modern day classic. know, Super Gaijin looks a lot like Nagaeyari at the Samurai Archives, especially when he's dancin'. I wonder? Could the mild mannered kofun and language scholar Nags be nurturin' a sekrit identity?

Mascot Menagerie Madness

Koyori makes me let Hikonyan have his own page on since she thinks the little bugger is just SOOOOOOO adorable and cute. While at times I wish the Ii-sponsored huckster would take that fabled trip through the Sakuradamon, it hasn’t turned out so bad since every time the white tub o’goo tries to one up the Brickster, he usually ends up shootin’ himself in the foot. I guess I can count myself lucky that Ko didn’t develop an infatuation with one of the smarter mascots, like Shima Sakonyan.

But as luck would have it, the Brickster accepted a job over a few bottles of sake as the Em-cee for a recent Japanese TV Special without readin’ the fine print in the contract…and this is what stared him in the face the day he set foot in the studio for rehearsals:

Now, while this ain’t as bad as signin’ a contract to appear as the lead in a Shinsengumi yaoi film, it’s more than enough to give Tony Bryant nightmares for the rest of his life. And if that didn’t do it, this video will:

Damned if it doesn’t look like a Japanese version of one of those Disney ‘Monsters Vs Aliens’ CG animated films. Can you imagine turnin’ this group of characters loose in an American neighborhood for Halloween? And of course, front row center hoggin’ the spotlight is that big ham Hikonyan with his gal pal Yachinyan. I can spot Ishida Mitsunyan and Shima Sakonyan along with a bunch of other mascots I’d rather forget. 

Sadly, while the gatherin’ of them all in one spot at one time was reminiscent of a similar plot put together by Vlad Tepes in Wallachia several hundred years ago, the outcome wasn’t nearly as upliftin’. Nope, they sang and danced badly, and worse, I was under a contractual obligation to…to…ENCOURAGE them. Oh, the shame! How will I ever show my face down at the Lucky Star tearoom ever again? 

Or maybe it’s just a sign that the Brickster needs to get a mascot for his show. I’m thinkin’ a Pam Anderson in-her-younger-days look-alike with a schoolgirl uni would fit the bill nicely, or somethin’ symbolic and subtle, like a giant dancin’ hot dog.

Yoshida Eri-Kutie With A K

Now, if there's one thing the Brickster likes almost as much as drinkin', dancin', and the ladies, it's the game of baseball. Has there ever been a sport that combines team play with a one-on-one confrontation better? I don't think so. And unlike other sports where you can run the clock out on an opponent, there's no such thing as an insurmountable lead in baseball. It's a sport largely based on skill, unlike other contests where genetic freaks hold court. Where else can a fat guy (the Babe) be the best player of all time, small players (Joe Morgan) be Hall of Famers, or men well into their 40's continue to be among the best in the game? Not to mention long games (especially in Japan) give ya plenty of chances to check in with yer adult beverage vendor. Granted, baseball does bring along its downside-that bein' goofballs like Marty Brenneman, Jeff Brantley, and Paul 'Fluffy' Daugherty. But all in all, it's pretty much the perfect sport.

But just when you think it can't get any better, along comes someone like Yoshida Eri to prove you're wrong. Who's she, you ask? Well, she's the 17 year old knuckleballer who recently became Japan's first female professional baseball player, signin' with the Kobe 9 Cruise. Jackie Robinson might have broken the color barrier in MLB, but even he would look like a wuss when compared to the crap a woman tryin' to play a man's game must go through. You'd never know it to look at her, though-check out this video of her layin' down the special K with her sidearm knuckler:

Damn! Even though she couldn't break a pane of glass with that pitch, just check out the movement on it-particularly that one pitch where it gets to the plate and then drops straight down. I can only imagine how humilated the guy who whiffed was-bein' struck out by a girl wouldn't exactly be somethin' to gain the admiration of yer teammates.

Even better, little Eri (at all of 5' 1") is a cutie in trainin'-not some woman that looks genetically altered, a gorilla enhanced by steriods, or like a man in drag. By the time she makes it to the Central or Pacific leagues in Japan (at least, we hope she does), she'll be a full fledged heartbreaker. There'll be a lotta guys in Japan whose hearts will be flutterin' as much as her knuckler. Heck, maybe one day she'll make it all the way to MLB-she's already better than 90% of the pitchers on the Cincinnati Reds. But until then, she's earned the Brickster's respect for her guts, talent, and performance under pressure.

Speakin' of Japanese baseball, the Brickster was recently invited to throw out the first pitch in a ceremony honorin' team Japan (who won the 2009 World Baseball Classic when the dumbass Koreans pitched to Ichiro with a base open) before a Dragons game. We'll have pics of that after it goes down. Wonder how I would do squarin' off against Eri? I don't think I'd have the problems the Japanese players do-Japanese women haul my ass out of the fire and make me look bad every week on my TV series, so it's not like I'd have that fear of bein' shown up by a gal foremost in my mind.

Hail To The King

In my time, I've done some really crazy stunts in public (whether for publicity or due to bein' drunk)-my escapes from the All-Ladies Train Cars are legendary, along with dancin' in inappropriate places, carousin' with scantily clad shrine maidens doin' the same, and rippin' stuffed animals off restaurant walls to battle their natural foes (like spearin' Puffer Fish with a torn down Swordfish). I thought I was the poster boy for poor gaijin behavior-but recently the Brickster was reminded that one should never rest on their laurels. On October 7th at the Imperial Palace there occured somethin' so outrageous and over the top that all of my previous efforts seemed paltry by comparison. They're nothin' more than the efforts of a mere child when measured against this master of chaos (vid file courtesy of Kitsuno News Agency):

Seems like this guy (a citizen of the UK residin' in Spain and visitin' Japan) dropped a bag in the moat while tourin' the Imperial Palace. Naturally enough, he decided the only logical thing was to strip down and go divin' into the moat after it-who wouldn't (even though one of the officials present said that "If he knew what was in that moat, he wouldn't be swimming in it")? But that was just the beginnin'-there was much more to come. As you can see, when the authorities rowed out to drag his sorry ass out of the water and back onto dry land, he bombarded their boat with rocks either taken from the moat walls or dredged up from the bottom. The police quickly put reverse oars into action, provin' Minamoto Yoshitsune was wrong and Kajiwara Kagetoki was right at Yashima back in 1185. They then staked out the shoreline, figurin' he'd have to come out sooner or later-and as the pic on the left shows, he did.

By the time Baldy clambered back on land, quite a crowd had assembled, as well as most of the members of the local media (never mind that the Japanese economy was sinkin' like a rock-a naked guy in the Imperial moat? Now THAT'S a REAL story!). The Japanese police were waitin' too, in their own understated way-with riot gear, helmets, and shields. Now me, I'da tazed him right then and there and watched him flop around like a fish on dry land. But the Japanese cops just formed a line and waited. Well, Baldy wasn't intimidated by this in the slighest. In a charge that banzai screamin' Japanese soldiers in WWII woulda been proud of, he picked up a lightweight yellow and black construction pole and came at the line of officers.

Realizin' that a dozen police with riot gear, guns, and batons were no match for a naked fat guy with a stick, the police scattered in all directions like they were Loyalists at the Ikeda-ya.  Gatherin' their nerve, a couple of officers with a batallion of news photographers as reinforcements mounted a counter charge that saw Baldy retreat back to the moat, teeterin' on the edge before his lack of coordination caused him to fall right back into the drink. Finally, after about two hours, exhaustion got the better of him (much like happened to the brave Sanada Yukimura at the Summer Battle Of Osaka) and Palace Security hauled his pruny wrinkled butt back up on dry land. And to cap the whole thing off-they didn't file any charges and just released him! My god, how unbelievably awesome is that?!?!?!

I'm truly humbled by the magnificence of this feat. If I lived to be a thousand, I fear that I'd never be able to approach, much less surpass it. To violate the Imperial Sanctuary-to attack a boatload of police with missiles, and then charge and break their lines-to tie up an expensive mass of manpower for two full hours-to get coverage from every Japanese network-and then to simply walk away with no repercussions at the's the stuff dreams are made of. I have a feelin' that the Emperor and Empress had somethin' to do with him walkin'-as the picture to the right shows, they were gettin' quite a few laughs at the hijinx of Baldy and the Keystone Kops. In particular, it seems it was the first time Empress Michiko had seen a naked white guy since Ashigaru's last visit to the palace. Anyway, I can do nothin' but swallow my pride and deferentially bow to the new King. Baldy, wherever you are, you're the man!

That leaves one unanswered question-just what the hell WAS in that bag he dropped, anyway?

Big Mouthed Fat Chick

Well, one thing theBrickster's learned in his long and star studded career is to avoid fat chicks like the plague. Not so much because they're fat (there's some sexy chunky corn-fed gals out there), but because they tend to seek out attention and have big mouths-they sound kinda like Foghorn Leghorn usin' a megaphone, or a gorilla chortlin' when they bring in a wheelbarrow full 'o Twinkies for him. Koyori says that I have a pathological fear of fat chicks, and she might be right-after all, there ain't many of them in Japan and when they do turn up when you least expect it the psychological impact can only be compared to seein' that creepy ghost scuttle out of the well in Ringu. But every once in a while, you just have to acknowledge the good works of a fat chick who puts her big mouth out on the table for everyone to see-like this jaw-droppin' video (vid file courtesy of the Kitsuno News Agency):

Damn! The Brickster's gotta respect anyone who can down an entire frosty cold one in one gulp. Just think of the endless possibilities in a bar-how many bets do you think you could win if you had this chick along for the ride? And if she ever decided to enter the world of porn-well, she could rewrite the record books.

The Brickster asked his pal Tatsu's wife, who's a doctor, for her insight on this amazin' display of beer mug engulftion. She feels that over the years fat chicks have developed a hinged jaw not unlike that of a snake in order to more efficiently consume mass quantities of popcorn, snacks, bon-bons, and small fried animals (such as Pomeranians). When it comes time to gobble down their prey, they simply unhinge their jaw and work their mouth around the victim. She also thought for a minute that the chick in the video was the Brickster's sister. What a disturbin' thought! While the gal in this video seems very nice and a bit of a sweetheart, the Brickster shudders to think of what this mutation could do in the wrong hands. When I have kids, I ain't leavin' them alone for a minute. 

Bakumatsu Mystery Photo

Here’s a photo of several Bakumatsu era big shots includin’ Saigo Takamori (the so-called ‘Real Last Samurai’), Emperor Meiji (here supposedly still a Choshu samurai in the formative years of his ‘Rags To Riches’ story), and Sakamoto Ryoma (scruffy samurai meddler and Abe Lincoln’s biggest fan). It’s up in the air whether these guys are actually in the pic, or people just think they are-heck, the photo’s been the subject of several books. The image is used to support a wacky theory that the Emperor Meiji-to-be Prince Mutsuhito was killed by Choshu samurai and replaced by one of their own-a certain Omuro Toranosuke. While I wouldn’t put any type of underhanded sneakiness past those graspin' power hungry mooks in Choshu, I don’t buy it, especially in light of recent discoveries. For years, this had an area in the upper right that most scholars thought had been tampered with. When given the opportunity of examin' the original, they found a newer photographic element had been overlaid over what was originally there and had bonded over time with the underlyin' emulsion, makin' removal of it impossible. When the owners finally agreed to have the photo X-rayed in an attempt to reveal the image underneath, it was successful, and here’s the restored photo: 

Now, scholars disagree on just who this newly revealed handsome gent is, but me, I have some ideas of my own. He doubtlessly bought his way into the good graces of the group by showerin’ them with exotic gifts (maybe a coupla boxes of Mr. D’s). It appears from the look on his face that he has some sort of master plan in motion, and that the marks have taken the bait and run with it. Seein’ as how he’s likely a Westerner, this likely involved helpin’ out rebellious elements that would topple the existin' regime and set themselves up in power while featherin' his own nest as well (considerin' the 'do, he had already been accepted as one of them-and he probably was awarded the first Mr. Donut franchise as well). He would make sure that that the people gettin' his help were a bunch of self-centered clowns with delusions of grandeur who would set up a violent, aggressive government that would eventually overreach itself and, say, maybe get crushed in a conflict with a major Western power-thereby settin’ up Japan to reinvent itself as a major economic power and a good ally, providin’ the West with all sorts of necessities such as Hello Kitty, Playstation, Taiga Dramas, Karaoke, Cucumber Soda, and Rekishi Gunzou. And just by lookin’ at the guy, you KNOW he was the drivin’ force behind the invention of the Schoolgirl Sailor Suit that we all know and love. All in all, it sounds a lot like the plot of Episodes 12 and 13 of our series, so it’s perfectly feasible.

Why was he painted out? Well, it seems likely that at some point the Japanese realized they had been bamboozled by this political genius and decided to erase whatever memories of him existed, makin' him a ‘non-person’ ala Orwell’s 1984. You hear tell of this happenin' throughout Japanese history-and, strangely enough, the conspiracy theories sound a lot like Episodes 1-11 of the series along with the two hour finale. Now, of course, this is all conjecture on my part-I’da had ta have been there to know for sure, and I wasn’t-at least not yet, anyway. But it looks as if the Magic Eight Ball has some big things in store for the Brickster.

Restored photo courtesy Obenjo Kusanosuke Photo Labs