Miyamoto Musashi:Overrated Clown

Has there ever been a human being glorified more and deservin' it less than Miyamoto Musashi (or, as we like to call him here at BB.com, "Big Moose")? Almost every feat attributed to the big clown was pulled directly from Yoshikawa Eiji's 1930's book "Musashi" (or "that damn book" as it is referred to by Japanese historians). Here's a guy that never was on the winnin' side in a battle against other samurai, never led troops, and had his pack of followers ambush Sasaki Kojiro at the famous 'duel' at Ganryujima-and yet he's revered by millions of martial arts geeks as THE master swordsman of Japanese history (seems Chiba Shusaku, Yagyu Muneyoshi, Tsukahara Bokuden, and Kamiizume Nobutsuna didn't have quite the press agent that Big Moose did). And the one time he WAS on the winnin' side in a battle, it was against a bunch of poorly armed, starvin' peasants-even then, the doofus was put out of action when one of the enemy hit him in the leg with a rock! Yeah, that sure sounds like an invincible sword master to me. I mean, just take a gander at the guy:

Hoo boy, that visage sure strikes terror into the hearts of mortal man! Don't even get me started on the Book Of Five Rings, a martial arts manual written by Big Moose that Musashiphiles apply to everythin'-business, relationships, shoppin' on eBay, and savin' money on car insurance.

Anyhoo, since it's about time that SOMEONE put the career of the Moosemeister into proper perspective, we've made Musashi a recurrin' character on ABARENBO GAIJIN. He has every bit of skill and talent on the show that he displayed in real life-as this excerpt from Episode 1's shootin' script shows:

Brick picks up the boat oar and maneuvers it in a complex series of moves that would take 50 years to master in real life.

Brick plants his feet, points the oar at MUSASHI, and bellows out:

BRICK:Fear my Kurumiwara style swordsmanship!

MUSASHI tilts his head, looks puzzled, and silently mouths ‘Kurumiwara style swordsmanship?’

MUSASHI is lifted off his feet as BRICK hits him dead center in the groin with the boat oar. This is accompanied by a sound not unlike that of a melon hitting the pavement after being dropped from the top of a 10 story building, along with an impressive extended girly-man scream from MUSASHI.

MUSASHI grabs his groin with both hands.

MUSASHI:(in a high falsetto)This isn’t over! I’ll get you for this!

MUSASHI then minces off camera using a pigeon toed walk on his tiptoes while maintaining the grip on his groin.


Brick is casually bouncing the boat oar off his right shoulder with his left hand on his hip.

BRICK:(in English)Yeah, whatever. (back to Japanese) Next time, bring your mama!

Musashi continues to appear off and on throughout the series, and these last two lines are always exchanged. This sets up the season endin' episode for the series, “Musashi’s Mama”.


Now, we haven't even touched on Big Moose's hygeine problems yet. We think the followin' product pretty much sums it up nicely:


Maybe the smell explains why Musashi avoided women like the plague. When ya think about it and add the fact that he had young boys as travel companions, if Musashi was alive today he'd probably be called a 'homeless pedophile' rather than 'master swordsman'.

 And any type of film or TV show featurin' Musashi is usually the worst piece of cinematic dreck (except for the excellent 2003 Ganryujima, which shows Musashi the way he was meant to be seen). Ichikawa Shinnosuke and the 2003 NHK Taiga Drama 'Musashi' is a perfect example. Ichikawa gives the most ridiculous, over the top, pop eyed performance in a Taiga drama to date. It's like watchin' Fuad Ramses from BLOOD FEAST sizin' up his next potential customer. To wit:

The storyline is a ridiculous disjointed mismash of crap from Yoshikawa's book, the Seven Samurai, and the homework assignments of the lead writer's kids. In fact, the estate of Kurosawa Akira sued NHK for rippin' off his film. And it stops with the siege of Osaka-no old Musashi here, or Musashi butcherin' Christian peasants at the Shimabara Rebellion.

In fact, the only good thing to come out of that series was

 the gorgeous Uchiyama Rina, who played Akemi. Now THERE's a Taiga I wouldn't mind seein'!


And while we're at it-I'm gonna turn my attention to Sakamoto Ryoma, the Fink That Ruined Everythin'. Yeah, that glorious Imperialist takeover Ryoma brokered really worked out when Japan was reduced to rubble in WWII under its stewardship. And 'ol Sakamoto got himself iced by the jackasses he was helpin' out to boot! Now THAT's what I call REAL ULTIMATE POWER! Chiba Naomasa (who plays the Perfesser on the show) has a bunch of Chiba family files in his real life collection. Here's a photo of Sakamoto along with a translation of what's written on the back:


"Huh huh, huh huh...Choshu and Satsuma...huh, huh...that'd be pretty cool...hee, hee, huh, huh...yeah...poop!"