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August  16, 2010-One thing the Brickster’s never been able to figure out is the appeal of ronin characters in chanbara films to Westerners. You know, those ill kempt smelly lazy unemployed drunken slobs who ostensibly exist to right the wrongs of the evil rotten dictators of the Tokugawa Shogunate. We’ve seen ‘em glorified in film after film, from Mifune in Yojimbo to the crapload of 47 Ronin films released over the years. Even the classic ‘Seven Samurai’ would be more properly called ‘Five Ronin, a Samurai, and a Farmer’.

Of course, anyone that knows jack about Japanese history knows that the Tokugawa Shogunate wasn’t the absolutist power it’s popularly depicted as and most of the power lay in the hands of the individual han (which is why the Shogunate ended up bein’ toppled so easily durin’ the Bakumatsu). The Shogunate did much to improve the lot of commoners, farmers, and merchants, enrichin’ them many times over while the wealth of the samurai dwindled greatly over the 250+ years the Tokugawa ran things. Over 250 years of peace, prosperity, and cultural development-that’s what the Tokugawa brought to the table.

Ronin, on the other hand, weren’t quite the Robin Hoods of Japanese history. Most of ‘em were the problem rather than the solution, bein’ a large source of crime. Peasants, merchants, and townspeople were routinely leeched off of by ronin who found extortin’ money from them lots easier than workin’ real jobs. The yakuza crime cartels were formed in large measure to protect the commoners from ronin. And of course, with the recent research done on the 47 Ronin we know they were little more than a group of surly thugs who capped a largely blameless Lord Kira in a medieval drive-by. Not to mention every time you see a ronin in a flick, you’re likely to see them indulgin’ in all night sake binges that they don’t have the money to pay for.

OK, to recap briefly, ronin are:

1) Smelly
2) Unemployed
3) Alcoholics
4) Disrespectful Of Authority
5) Lazy
6) Dirty
7) Thieves
8) Extortionists
9) Drifters
10) And I ain’t even includin’ the fact that lots of them like Musashi were often spotted in the company of young boys

Now, coincidentally enuff, we had a similar group of men that shared these exact same characteristics here in America. In the good ol’ USA, we called our ronin ‘hobos’.

These days we call ‘em bums or to be PC, homeless or employment challenged. With one major difference, the two groups match up perfectly. Who can’t picture Mifune’s character in Yojimbo sluggin’ down a bottle of ripple while loungin’ in a boxcar of the B & O Railroad outside Pittsburgh? The 47 Ronin’s leader Oishi Kuranosuke shopliftin’ porno books from the 7-11 while his 46 cohorts distract the clerk? Ogami Itto with a ‘Wil Sord Trane Fer Fuud’ sign around his neck at the highway exit ramp, or Zatoichi (who ain’t really a ronin, but close enuff) spritzin’ yer windshield and wipin’ it off with a dirty rag while yer stopped at a red light?

So what’s that one big difference? Well,

11) ronin tend to walk around armed and dangerous, killin’ lots of people at a moment’s notice. True, that ain’t to say hobos can’t be psychos, but most of ‘em don’t go that far.

Strangely enough, we have a large group of people in the US that fit this expanded description too. They’re called serial killers and/or mass murderers. Again, one can draw comparisons between Oishi Kuranosuke and the 47 Ronin to Charles Manson and his Family of followers. Lady Snowblood and Lizzie Borden-separated at birth? The Zodiac Killer seems a perfect match for Kurama Tengu. And Tange Sazen could be Ed Gein’s long lost brother.

So, to get back to my original point, why do ronin attain such hero status among a lot of Westerners? Well, as any shrink will tell you, people identify with fictional characters that they see themselves as bein’ like. So, in effect, there seems to be a large class of chanbara fans who are ravin’ homicidal sociopaths, which seems to jibe with certain posts on the subject I’ve seen here on the SA. It also explains while so many of ‘em make an attempt to emulate their heroes by halfheartedly indulgin’ in sword trainin’. The only thing that stills puzzles me is how most ronin are rail thin but the ronin fanatics I’ve seen are usually tippin’ the scales at a rather hefty tilt. Hopefully future scholars on this subject will follow the Brickster’s trailblazin’ efforts and solve this final piece of the puzzle.



August

of TOKYO GORE POLICE. And judgin’ from the film’s Japanese trailer, they were tryin’ to market it as a ‘new type of feelgood girl’s film’…one that they can ‘laugh and cry over’ ! Errrrr…….somehow, the Brickster kinda doubts this film was very high on the ‘must see’ list for Japanese gals. Not that that’s a bad thing, since it left that many more of them free to go check out one of my manly classics, like the upcomin’ film adaptation of the video game ‘MAEDA KEIJI, SENGOKU STUD’. Now THAT’S a tried and true feelgood film for Kogal and OL alike-reserve yer tickets now! Anyway, despite the fact that at one point Robogeisha is cut in half, a buncha grannies and grampas get machined gunned, teenagers have their faces burned off by acidic breast milk, and a schoolgirl is graphically impaled by a sword through her nether regions, the film just seems too happy. Not what most gorehounds and slasher movie fans want. And there’s no real nudity-I mean, if yer gonna drench the screen with blood, ya might as well throw in a bit of T & A as well. It just ain’t right not to. Still, just because it didn’t reach the lofty heights of Machine Girl ain’t no reason to not go check Robogeisha out.

Speakin’ of which, you guys have boatloads of reviews on deck from the Brickster! I’ve got ‘ONECHANBARA 2: ZOMBIE KILLER VORTEX’! ‘TOKYO GORE POLICE 1.5’! ‘THE MACHINE GIRL REMIX’-includin’ the new short film where the Machine Girl’s pal who was killed in the first movie returns complete with a machine gun that comes outta her butt (this seems to be a common theme in Japanese films these days)! And last but certainly not least, the ‘ULTIMATE MACHINE GIRL DVD COLLECTORS TIN’! A full three discs devoted to this important and seminal film experience! It’s almost too much to take in at one sittin’, but ya know the Brickster’ll do it just cause he loves ya all so much!


August 2, 2010-Everyone knows that the Brickster’s fav’rit video game franchise is Splatterhouse. This is the game that involves the eldritch Terror Mask turnin’ a regular guy inta a pumped-up musclebound slaughter machine that makes Bane from Batman look like a wuss. Uppin’ the ante are scores of the most evil creatures this side of Hell, all of which are pummeled, torn apart, eviscerated, and rendered into bleedin’ sacks of meat by protagonist Rick Taylor. And this was in the old school 16 bit versions on the T16 and Genesis-you can just imagine what the reboot of the franchise (due out in October) will look like. I get a little thrill of anticipation whenever I think about it!

Anyway, even though the game ain’t out yet, some of its merchandisin’ tie-ins are. One of them is so indescribably kewl and awesome that I can’t even describe it. I’m talkin, of course, about these Splatterhouse shoes produced by Globe:

A Terror Mask for the feet! These babies are just like the shoes that Rick Taylor wears in game, down to the spatters of blood that result from wadin’ through the busted up carcasses of festerin’, oozin’ creatures. And they even have little baby Terror Masks sproutin’ from them! They’re the ultimate in podiatric badassery. I love these things! I haven’t had anythin’ like ‘em since the pair of Batman and Robin Keds I wore as a toddler. They make ya feel ready ta send a royal butt-kickin’ to anythin’ that crosses yer path-say, the Evil Boreworm, the guy at the conbini that always shorts yer portion on yer bento box, or some smart aleck that makes fun of your shoes. Well, ready to send a royal butt-kickin’ to anythin’ ceptin’ your wife. If Ko catches me wearin’ these (much less finds out what I paid fer ‘em), the punishment doled out to the fiends in Splatterhouse will look like a Sunday School picnic in comparison.

July 26, 2010-A quick Sengoku quiz-see if you can pick out the name that doesn’t belong in the followin’ list:

Tokugawa Ieyasu
Hojo Ujimasa
Chosokabe Motochika
Oda Nobunaga
Uesugi Kenshin
Maeda Keiji
Takeda Shingen
Toyotomi Hideyoshi
Date Masamune
Mori Motonari

Pretty obvious, ain’t it? Virtually every name on that list is an important Sengoku historical figure, a daimyo that had an important role in determinin’ how the unification of Japan played out. The name that doesn’t belong is that kabukimono pretty boy slacker samurai, Maeda Keiji. Keiji has virtually no historical significance-about the only thing he accomplished of note was actin’ as the rearguard for the Uesugi army at the Battle of Hasedo. And when ya think about it, as lame as that was, it’s made even less impressive by the fact that the Uesugi could just as easily lost the battle and ran off without him. But despite his insignificance, Keiji’s almost always included among the pantheon of Sengoku ‘big names’ and has a rep as a fighter rivaled only by other non-producers like Miyamoto Musashi and Sanada Yukimura. Look at any series of Sengoku based books, toys, figures, video games, or even coffee cans, and you’ll see some version of Keiji holdin’ court. Heck, the Rekishi Gunzou series of history books even gave the guy his own special edition with the accompanyin’ quote ‘samuraipunks here to stay'! Even though Obenjo Kusanosuke swears by his copy, my question for years has been-why? Why glorify some goofy non-entity when there are plenty of other samurai far more deservin’?

Well, this week I got my answer. The Brickster found hisself with some time on his hands when Ko decided to go out shoppin’ with her mom, so’s I started lookin’ through Ko’s video game collection to find somethin’ to kill time. Just about anythin’ woulda done-anythin’ that involved ninja, stealth killin’, strategic samurai warfare, aliens, things gettin’ blown up, monsters, decapitations, bloodshed, fast cars, or chicks with big hooters. Difficult as it was to believe, she didn’t have any of the classics featurin’ these video game staples-just a buncha otome games featurin’ gay men pretendin’ to be intrested in romancin’ women. Then I found this:

This bein’ ‘Maeda Keiji-Sengoku Stud’, an ‘Adult Sengoku Action Game’. What the heck?!?! I booted up this aberration and followed the adventures of Keiji as he progressed from layin’ down the pipe on one woman after another in a most…err, graphic fashion. I ain’t sure if this game was produced for Japanese men lookin’ to get ‘high score’ vicariously through Keiji, or for Japanese women puttin’ themselves in the place of Keiji’s sexy playmates. At any rate, the game really honked me off, mainly because we weren’t allowed to include anythin’ like that in ‘Brick McBurly-The Video Game’-I told the Studio merchandisin’ guys we needed to go on the XBOX 360 and not the Wii, but of course no one listens to me. So instead of boffin’ video hotties the virtual Brickster runs around bouncin’ off the head of funny animals, usin’ non-lethal weapons on goofy cartoon bad guys, and drinkin’ soda pop to power up instead of the hard stuff they sell down at the Lucky Star Tearoom.

But anyway, now we know the sekrit behind Keiji’s seemin’ly inexplicable popularity. Never underestimate the impact horny women can have on pop culture icons. Speakin’ of which, Ko totally denied knowledge of the game or how it got into her collection, but that little smirk on her face told me a diff’rent story.

July 5, 2010-Things have been kinda quiet and solemn in the Brickster's Yashiki, and the Brickster hisself hasn't went out for a night on the town in almost-wow, it's been almost three days or so. My family was takin' note of my unusually subdued behavior and I thought for sure that Ko's dad would take the opportunity to have me committed to a mental hospital and then get his daughter a quickie divorce while I was inside. Still, without havin' Corky the wonder dog around to pal around with at the end of the day it was all I could do to tend to the basics-showin' up for work, givin' a magnificent performance, comin' home, and puttin' a smile on the face of my gorgeous, compassionate, brilliant wife with some of the Brickster's trademark lovin'. It was awful! But I guess the strain musta showed to Ko, since she went out and picked up a little somethin' at the pet shop for the Brickster on the same day we got Corky's ashes back from the funeral home. So, let me intraduce ya all to my new pal, Cuddles McBurly!

Yeah, that's right-I didn't get to pick out the name, since I woulda chosen somethin' cool like Sabertooth or Reaper. Cuddles is a Japanese woman's idea of a good name (ie, sickenin'ly cutesy), and even worse, both the Brickster's own saintly gray haired mother and mother-in-law have approved of the choice. Ko's already gone out and bought her a complete wardrobe for all seasons-even a schoolgirl uniform, fer crissakes, but I gotta admit I did think that one was kinda funny. Poor animal! Next thing ya know she'll show up with pink ribbons attached to her ears. At any rate, Cuddles loves the Brickster and I love her back just as much. She's the cutest and friskiest furball ever seen, and as much of a chick magnet Corky was, a tiny puppy dog (all one pound eight ounces of her) that looks like a Teddy Bear or cat is even MORE effective at drawin' chicks into her orbit than he was. Yep, I can tell we're gonna be the best of friends, as long as I can keep Ko from goin' too overboard on the 'dress-up' aspect of things.

June 23, 2010-Today the Brickster sits down to write with a heavy heart. Early this afternoon my little pal of fifteen years, Corky the Wonder Dog, passed away. I’m told the little guy was runnin’ through the house and stopped at the foot of the stairs. He looked up to where the Brickster usually is hangin’ out, yelped, and collapsed. By the time I got to him, he had passed away. I’m not ashamed to admit I bawled like a little girl, or even Naoe Kanetsugu. So, hopefully you’ll all excuse me fer gettin’ all maudlin and stuff. The little fur-bearin’ runt of a Pomeranian might have been the world’s biggest pest and at times a royal pain in the butt, but in a good kinda’ way. He was always there at the end the day to give a happy greetin’ to the Brickster when he got home from the Studio, even if this did tip off Koyori when I tried sneakin’ in at 3 AM. As he got older, he began to lose his eyesight and tended to want to stick close to us all the time. This included pawin’ open the door when we were usin’ the bathroom, runnin’ up two flights of stairs to see what was happenin’ in the bedroom, or openin’ up the front door to come trottin’ out into the front yard when we were outside.

Every dog owner has their favorite silly story, so here’s mine. Early on, when takin’ the little guy fer a ride, we’d put him in the back seat to give him room while Ko an’ I rode up front. Bein’ a curious little guy and all, Corky would routinely stick his nose between the two front bucket seats to keep tabs on what was goin’ on. One day (even in Kyoto traffic) the Brickster actually got up to about 50 KPH before havin’ a gypsy cab abruptly cut him off. I had to stand on the brakes and out of the corner of my eye saw a large ball of fur go flyin’ off the back seat, bounce off the back of Ko’s seat, and land in the footwell. Before I could wonder if he’d been hurt, Corky’s little head popped up with an expression that said “What in the heck was that?!?!?!?!”

But now, there’s no grumpy dog that’s impossible to budge from under the bed in the mornin’. No dog to buy deli-sliced roast beef for at the supermarket. No dog to get underfoot and stare at you longin’ly when you’re eatin’ somethin’. No dog to break Pupperoni’s into four equally sized pieces for to make it easier for him. No dog to lick the peanut butter off the bread knife when I’m through makin’ a sammich. No dog to share the ottoman with. No dog to insist he sit in the front seat with me in the car while Ko had to sit in the back, while seemin’ to say “Where we headed today, pal?”. And it’s killin’ me.

June 21, 2010-As I’ve explained before, much like Japanese soldiers refused to surrender and took to the jungles on islands throughout the Pacific after World War II, diehard supporters of the Shogun refused to accept defeat even after Tokugawa Yoshinobu ceded control of the government back to the Emperor in 1867. Most of ‘em along with their descendents ended up gettin’ killed durin’ WWII when mass murderer Curtis LeMay decided to see how many enemy non-combatants he could slaughter via firebombin’. However, since Kyoto managed to escape the fiery death, the cadre of Shogunate supporters here managed to stay pretty constant. Understandably, they keep a pretty low profile these days. They prefer to bide their time (much like the Kakure Kirishitan
did durin’ the Edo period), waitin’ for just the right moment when Japan gets sick of this whole democracy thing and goes back to a government headed up by a barbarian-quellin’ general. I’ve heard many of ‘em are gettin’ a bit impatient and have thrown their support behind ‘retired’ Emperor Go-Chikatetsu, who wishes to reclaim his rightful heritage and will lead them all to victory. Just as soon as he finishes off that quart bottle and takes a nap in his favorite corner of Kyoto Eki. But for the most part, sightin’s of ‘em are rarer than Bigfoot-occasionally they’ll don kimono and the two swords (I’m talkin’ the Shogunate diehards here, not Bigfoot, although that would be pretty badass, wouldn’t it?) to rumble with Loyalist descendents on special anniversaries (which, as you can see by the pics on my Kyoto page, I was lucky enuff to stumble across).

June 14, 2010-Woot! Team Japan has just defeated the mighty juggernaut from Cameroon 1-0 in their first game in World Cup Soccer. Ya know what that means, don’t ya, guys? That’s right! Even if like me ya don’t give a rat’s ass about soccer, there’ll be plenty of drunken, vulnerable babes celebratin’ the victory and just lookin’ for a great way to cap off their evenin’. You’d be downright unpatriotic if you didn’t immediately head down to the local karaoke hangout or sake shop and help them out. I consider it my civic duty to put the ‘Lucky’ in the ‘Lucky Star’ tea room for some fortunate OL who can report to her pals the next day that she scored an even more impressive win than Team Japan, mountin’ (yuk, yuk) a victory against incredible odds. The Brickster’s hopin’ that his self-sacrificin’ ways might pay off by runnin’ into his newest heartthrob, former race queen and newscaster Catherine Kobayashi. And my heart ain’t the only thing throbbin’. There’s just somethin’ about an English-spoutin’ Japanese woman in a tight-fittin business suit that sets my soul afire. She's a gal after my own heart-seems she fell off the train platform and down between the train and the tracks, just like me. Course, she wasn't three sheets to the wind when she did it.

June 7, 2010-It’s now June, which means the American Major League Baseball season is in full swing-and that the Brickster’s overdue fer his annual address on the sorry state of baseball broadcastin’ in Cincinnati. Everyone knows that much like sportswriters who are hired primarily on their ability to write rather than based on their knowledge of sports, sportscasters are hired primarily on their ability to talk non-stop for several hours without regard to whether they actually know what they’re talkin’ about (makes ya wonder why more women aren’t sportscasters-or I guess ya’d call them BROADcasters). Nowhere is this more evident than the Cincinnati Reds with their broadcast team of the odious Marty Brennaman and his troglodyte lackey Jeff Brantley. These two assclowns are stuck somewhere in the early 1900’s where the bunt was a major offensive weapon and puttin’ a guy with a .270 on base percentage in the leadoff spot was good strategy. It’s all about makin’ contact and not strikin’ out, dammit, even if you never get on base, because it ain’t about whether you produce or not, but how good you look when you’re not doin’ it (this philosophy of losin’ baseball is known locally as ‘Martyball’). Their obsession with smallball, givin’ up outs to gain nothin’ more than a base, and makin’ contact at all costs (even when it usually results in a double play) borders on the insane. Now, the news ain’t all bad-the Reds front office has cut back on the number of games that Brennaman and Brantley handle, givin’ a lot of them to Jim Kelch, who’s a real pro. He keeps the focus on the game where it belongs despite the best efforts of whichever moron he’s saddled with for the night tryin’ to drag the center of attention back to their childish antics. When you listen to a game broadcast by Brennaman and Brantley, you may not gain any insight into the game (if they even bother talkin’ about it), but you’ll sure be brought up to speed on Brennaman’s latest golf game, his favorite courses, his hatred of the Chicago Cubs, what someone else in the booth is wearin’ that night, and Brantley’s extensive lovin’ ventures into the world of food porn. I’ve addressed most of this in past columns, so fer today I’m just gonna focus on how even when they DO talk about baseball, they’re laughably clueless.

Last month (May) the Reds had an excellent month that saw them move ahead of the St. Louis Cardinals into first place in the NL Central. This was attributable to the fact that their schedule consisted primarily of games against two of baseball’s worst teams, the wretched Pittsburgh Pirates and Houston Astros. When they played winnin’ teams, they predictably had a losin’ record. However, Brennaman and Brantley saw things differently-they were winnin’ because the team had shifted their focus away from hittin’ and towards speed, defense, and pitchin’. Yes, the Reds had finally seen the light of Martyball and now the world was their oyster. Except for the fact that Brennaman and Brantley were dead wrong. I’ll give ‘em defense-even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile, even though B & B praise the defense for the wrong reason. The Reds defense is much improved over that of two or three years ago, even though they have a substandard shortstop, an error prone and agin’ third baseman, a hot dog second baseman, and a first baseman with a scattershot arm.

But pitchin’? B & B spout long soliloquies about the wonders and talents of the Reds first rate pitchin’ staff and how they have led the team to the Promised Land. Because pitchin’ is 90% of baseball, ya know-damn it, it is (well, no-really more like 30-35%)! I wonder what team they’re watchin’, because out of 16 National League teams, the Reds are 13^th in pitchin’. 13^th. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that if you’re in the bottom 25% of a group, you’re not particularly good at what you’re doin’. But that doesn’t stop B & B-listenin’ to Brantley gush over guys like Daniel Ray Herrera is comical as hell. Brantley loves to tell listeners how he “admires this kid’s spunk-he isn’t afraid of anyone”. Of course, Herrera should be very, very afraid-he’s routinely hammered, usually right after Brantley has sung words of praise for him. So obviously, pitchin’ ain’t what’s drivin’ the Reds.

How about team speed? Well, no-the Reds are one of the worst baserunnin’ teams in the league-their stolen base percentage is awful, they’re continuously gettin’ picked off and thrown out tryin’ to advance the extra base, routinely forget how many outs are in an innin’ (runnin’ full tilt on fly balls with less than two outs), end up with two guys on the same base, and fail to hustle on routine plays. Brandon “Gametime Burger” Phillips is probably the best example of this. He’s continuously not payin’ attention when he’s on base and gettin’ picked off, engagin’ in reckless aggressive baserunnin’ that sees him thrown out on a regular basis, doesn’t hustle (more on that later), and is a barely break even base stealer (even though B & B praised him for bein’ 4 for 7, which is actually hurtin’ your team). Team speed means nothin’ if it doesn’t convert to success, and the Reds baserunnin’ as a whole has been a negative. But B & B love that aggressiveness-when a Reds player is thrown out, it’s a given that one or the other (or both) will spout “You hate to see an out made, but you sure have to love that aggressive baserunning”. That’s a lot like the Japanese sayin’ they hated the fact that their country was laid to waste and their cities destroyed in WWII, but they sure loved their army’s aggressiveness.

And as far as B & B downplayin’ offence in the team’s success-well, the Reds were 1^st in battin’ average, runs scored, on base percentage, home runs, sluggin’ percentage, on base plus sluggin’, and pretty much every other major offensive category. Think that might have somethin’ to do with the team winnin’? Well, it sure ain’t pitchin’ or speed.

Brennaman and Brantley up the ante by introducin’ one of the biggest “BS Factors” in sports by creditin’ the Reds success to the fabled “veteran leadership” of one Scott Rolen. The Reds aren’t hittin’ well because they have talent in that area-no, it’s because wise old veteran Scott Rolen has set an example for all of them by showin’ them the way the game was meant to be played and impressed them with his work ethic. Oh, please. That veteran leadership sure didn’t seem to help when he was on the Blue Jays or bein’ a disruptive influence in the Phillies or Cardinals locker rooms. I think the best evaluation of the effect Rolen’s “veteran leadership” has had can be seen by the behavior of the aforementioned “Gametime Burger” Phillips. Phillips was in the newspaper a coupla’ weeks ago lovin’ly expoundin’ on Rolen and sayin’ how great it was to have a guy like him around to show the way and demonstrate a commitment to the game that raised the playin’ level of all of his teammates. Just to demonstrate this, Phillips goes out and fails to run out fly balls botched by the defense not once, but twice, in two consecutive games. Yeah, Rolen really inspired Phillips to give his all. Or maybe Phillips just saw talkin’ about Rolen as another chance to get quoted in the paper. It’s funny in sports-winnin’ teams always seem to have plenty of ‘veteran leadership’ and ‘chemistry’, while losin’ teams never do. I guess that means by October when the Reds are sub-.500 again, Rolen will have mysteriously lost his leadership abilities. He’ll probably be on the DL by then too, but that’s another story.

So, sad to say, baseball broadcastin’ in Cincinnati is still the realm of bottom feeders Brennaman and Brantley. Thankfully, with mlb.online the Brickster can enjoy Reds baseball by simply listenin’ to the opposin’ teams broadcast of the same game. While I sure hate missin’ out on Brantley talkin’ about barbecued ice cream and Brennaman heapin’ abuse on his latest target, it’s more than balanced out by the brain cells that ain’t bein’ slaughtered by bein’ subjected to them.

March 8, 2010-Speakin’ of rejoinin’, the long absent LtDomer has resurfaced on the relatively goreless and non-occult Samurai Archives after a two year hiatus durin’ which it’s rumored he spent his time learnin’ esoteric ninja rituals in the mountains of Iga to employ in the struggle against the rat bastard members of the Taliban. Now, I’m happy as hell to see Domer back and that nothin’ bad has happened to him durin’ his sojurn to the Great Sandbox. Well, aside from havin’ to go to such a rathole in the first place-but he’s already been stationed in Korea, so it ain’t such a stretch. If there’re asses to be kicked, verbally or otherwise, we’ve got the right man over there. But, it also put the Brickster in kind’a an awkward situation.

Namely, what happens when someone that you owe money to has disappeared off the face of the earth, been forgotten about and the debt conveniently written off, but then suddenly reappears? Do you just pretend that the borrowin’ never occurred? Act like you no longer know them? Duck out of clubs whenever they enter? Or hope they’ve forgotten about the whole thing and hit ‘em up for more free drinks? Luckily fer me, Domer still seems to be exiled to Iadorkastan or somethin’ like that, so’s I got some time to ponder the options before he ends up back in Japan.

February 22, 2010-Recently the Brickster ran across this pic in a most unexpected spot in a most unexpected context, causin’ him to hose down his computer monitor with half a can of ‘Pepsi Daikon’. Problem is, because Ko thinks I’m mean I can’t really tell you that it came from the Samurai Archives and that it has to do with a certain two-sword wearin’ bunny, and that you should easily be able to spot it yerself if ya go there. So’s I’ll have to maintain my vow of silence or there won’t be any goodies for the Brickster this week, if ya know what I mean. Still, the photo was far too laugh-inducin’ to waste, so here it is. You kin provide yer own captions, my personal fav’rits bein’ “Klown Kar Refugee Drives Punk Home”, “Takin’ One For The Team”, “Sodomy-It’s Not Just For Samurai Anymore”, or the classic “Surly Assclownery”. Looks like shudo is unspoolin’ in the center ring for children of all ages this week!

February 15, 2010-Well, Valentine’s Day 2010 has came and went, and with it, another Brick McBurly Valentine’s Day Hot Tub Party. This was our Third Annual Event-wow, can you believe it’s been that long? Anyway, as always, it went great, even though it was a bit downsized because of the economy. We had a little bit of excitement when an overzealous housewife detrunked the Brickster, leadin’ to a rash of Nessie sightin’s among the other gals-but as usual Koyori spoiled the party and ‘debunked’ the legend by stuffin’ it back in the old Speedo. There was another mishap as well-it must have been a slow news day since we even made the Kyoto edition of the Yomiuri Shimbun, pushin’ the second part of an interview with cartoonist Stan Sakai to the rear page of the entertainment section. Here’s the translation of the feature:

This article was approved by Koyori McBurly.

February 8, 2010-If you’ve been checkin’ out this page on a regular basis, you probably already know that I had a kickass post for this date that ain’t here anymore. Why? Well, here’s the story. Recently one of the members of the Samurai Archives got postal because no one was able to help him get a newspaper he wanted (which, in an ironic turn, turns out I had since we subscribe to the paper in question and Ko hadn’t put it out for recyclin’ yet). He got all obnoxious and abusive, callin’ several of the SA’s members nasty names, and even insulted them on another forum (a forum which, it should be noted, is virtually abandoned these days thanks to geniuses like him). Tryin’ to understand his misplaced anger, I put together a psychological evaluation of the mook in an attempt to reach out and better deal with his affliction and hopefully encourage him to seek help. It really hit the nail on the head, and the Brickster even received an email from an SA forumite praisin’ him for bein’ so ‘solicitous’. It coulda saved the poor tortured soul a mountain of therapy sessions, not to mention a goodly bit of cash. My final diagnosis of him sufferin’ from ‘Surly Assclownery’ was embraced by the SA’s just and fair Shogun, Kitsuno, and...well, the followin' therapy was implemented:

So, job well done, problem identified and solved, everyone happy all the way around. And I published my findin’s in a white paper here on the Monogatari (preservin’ the subject’s identity and anonymity) in an effort to help those sufferin’ from Assclownery in the future. But Koyori told me that I was “being mean” and that I needed to take it down, pronto. Even though she agreed that the goof in question was actin’ like an assclown and deserved every bit of it. Knowin’ what side my bread is buttered on, I deleted it. Bein’ married to a Pollyanna sure can be a pain in the butt sometimes. And I might as well tell ya, I had to run this post by Ko too. I think she felt bad for castratin’ me in front of my peers so she decided to let me blame her for everythin’, which is one of the great things about women. So there ya have it.

February 1, 2010-The Brickster loves Animeigo (which certain dumbass self-proclaimed experts have spelled Animeiga, I hear)-especially the last couple of years where they’ve been featurin’ releases from the golden age of Japanese samurai cinema in the 60’s and also regular classics of Japanese cinema like Black Rain, Tora-San, and Japan’s Longest Day. And they’ve done their part to keep the unscrupulous vultures and piratin’ bastards of the grey market from preyin’ on the chanbara starved masses of Gotham City. But sheesh-getta load of their packagin’ for the upcomin’ release of five of the six Nakamura “Miyamoto Musashi” films from the early 60’s. Musashi-The Ultimate Samurai? I think not. As regular readers of McBurly Monogatari know, Musashi was just an unwashed pedophile who loved his sword more than women and couldn’t even take down some scared peasant with a rock. His importance (or lack thereof) in Japanese history is underscored by the fact that in the definitive six volume Cambridge History of Japan his name isn’t even mentioned once. Well, maybe Animeigo is referrin’ to how he’s portrayed in the film and not his performance in history. Anyway, the boxed set looks to be a winner, even if the historical Musashi only became one by settin’ up his goons to ambush Kojiro Sasaki at Funajima and then takin’ the credit for hisself.

But, once again, the Brickster is digressin’. What was a fun gamin’ experience quickly turned sour when I accessed the ‘extras’ menu. In there, I saw a menu for ‘extra content’ and clicked on it. And whaddya know-there was an option there to download an entirely new mode, ‘Historical Mode’, where your created character can choose from three different scenarios, each dealin’ with a different time frame of the Sengoku. Then I noticed that there was a ￥300 charge for each of the three! I guess it ain’t enough for Koei and Nintendo to have you drop over 300 bucks to play a game, but then they have to soak you for an extra ￥900. I could feel one of the suits from Koei stickin’ his hand in my pocket right then and there. While I wouldn’ta minded if it had been a cute OL doin’ that, I don’t want those Nintendo Mafioso Mario and Luigi fishin’ around for my wallet. Not to mention that in a coupla months Koei’ll make a couple of NPC’s playable, maybe add a battle, and charge you for that too-not to mention probably doin’ an ‘Empires’ version of the game down the line. Soon, I can envision buyin’ a game, payin’ ￥7000, and openin’ it up to find a blank disc that prompts you to buy a bunch of downloadable crap in order to play. Now, the right way to do this is to give away all the downloadable add-ons for free, like they do on the PS3. Not like the XBOX360, where Microsoft not only makes you pay for the exact same add-ons the PS3 gives away, but then gives you the wrong ones. Tatsu tells me that if you buy all three add-ons for ‘Way of the Samurai 3’, you’ll find you get the EXACT SAME CONTENT for each of the three. Pay for three, get one-somebody is gettin’ rich off that deal.

Anyway, the story had a happy endin’ since Ko had also given me Wii points (even though these are also a moneymakin’ scheme designed to pad out a purchase with a service charge and have you pay up front for points that may never be used). Not only was I able to buy the three scenarios, but also all three versions of ‘Splatterhouse’ that are on the Japanese network. Still, it’s a lot different from the Brickster’s method of doin’ business, where the gals find that the download is already included with the package.

January 18th, 2010-Hey, the Brickster wants to extend his congrats to his pal Tatsu over at the Samurai Archives, whose essay “Bushido: The Soul of Chambara” was released last week on Animeigo’s new “Bushido: The Cruel Code of the Samurai” DVD. Tatsu, whose specialty seems to be lettin’ the air out of over inflated legends, doles out his special brand of punishment to Kato Kiyomasa, ‘Big Moose’ Musashi, and the 47 Ronin among others. Personally, I wonder why he didn’t throw Yoshitsune under the bus as well-after all, Benkei’s little buddy was a treacherous, schemin’ bastard. One thing I found amusin’ is that Tatsu never uses three words when he can use ten. I hope he never gets a cell phone, because if he ever had to Tweet, keepin’ somethin’ under 140 characters would cause his brain to explode. Now, while word has it that if Tatsu had just listened to his wife Ayame the piece woulda’ been a hundred times better, it still seems to have caught on with the critics. Pat Galloway gave it a shout out on his ‘Asia Shock’ blog and Amazon Top 50 reviewer Zack Davisson had this to say:

“Animeigo has put together their usual excellent package for the release of such an important film. Probably my favorite of the extras available was an essay by samurai scholar Randy Schadel discussing the truth behind bushido, and how it was essentially an invented code enforced on the peasants but followed by few of the aristocracy themselves.”

Well, actually, that ain’t what the essay said at all, but I gave Zack a helpful vote anyway. Tatsu told me he hopes the piece will inspire its readers to do some readin’ and maybe check out the Samurai Archives in the process. It inspired me to wonder what his wife would look like decked out in a ‘Sailor Moon’ costume, or maybe pink and black frilly Valentine’s Day underwear. I’m not sure why, but there ya go. To congratulate Tatsu, I sent him a special ladies ‘Brick Layer’ T to give to her.

By the way, there’s a movie on the DVD, too, and it’s pretty good.

January 11, 2010-The Brickster is proud to announce that the ‘Brick McBurly’ T-Shirt Shop (seen HERE) at the Samurai Archives is sellin’ three (or five, dependin’ on how ya count) brand new styles of licensed Brick McBurly T-Shirts! Yes, guys, it’s time to throw out that ripped up worn out ‘Abarenbo Gaijin’ shirt (or better yet, use it ta polish yer classic ride, like my orange '66 Mustang) and take things to the next level. But the REALLY big news is that the Brickster’s listened to his legions of adorin’ female fans and put together a stylish women’s T just for them!

First off is the 'The Brickster: Jidaigeki Legend/Miko No Kami’ men’s T (in style ONE or TWO). Each one of these babies is painstakin’ly stitched together by Cafe Press’s piece workin’ ronin turned yamabushi and infused with sekrit mystical powers. Guys, boldly state that just like the Brickster, you’re a legend AND a chick magnet-well, assumin’ your wife or significant other lets you be. It practically screams out “Yes, Bush-ido is practiced here.” Let it be known to shrine maidens across the land that there’s a safe haven to be found in your arms! Now, while we can’t guarantee that wearin’ this shirt will draw those cute gals in the sexy red and white outfits from miles around to you like a beacon in the darkness, it sure works that way for me. Will beauteous shrine maidens be magikally compelled to seek your protection and paw your body through the rich, comfortable fabric? Well, bub, you’ll never know unless you buy one. 

And assumin’ that shirt works for you the way it works for me, what better gift to give afterwards than the brand new ‘Abarenbo Gaijin-Brick Layer’ T? This form-fittin’ ladies T-shirt is guaranteed to show off any woman’s up-front assets to maximum advantage. Ko looks like she's been poured into hers, and that particular drink's to my likin'. The Brickster usta have the prototypes made up in bulk and has been passin’ 'em out as keepsakes to his more…shall we say, forthcomin’ female fans. It’d be tough to find a gal in Kyoto that doesn’t have one of these secreted away in her closet. You’ll also see Tomoe Gozen, Ichi, the Princess of the Mirth Spider Tribe, and other hot historical babes wearin’ these in ‘Abarenbo Gaijin-Season Three’! Ladies, it’s your chance to boast to the world of your proud conquest-heck, it’s practically a feminist statement! Join the ranks of the ‘Brick Layers’ and impress all your friends. Be the envy of the crowd at the next ‘Brick McBurly Valentines Day Hot Tub Party’! Make sure to think up a convincin’ cover story if you plan on wearin’ it in front of your husband, though, cause I'll deny everythin'.

And best of all, every purchase helps enrich the coffers of the Samurai Archives and insure that it remains a safe haven for Japanese history junkies everywhere. In fact, if you don’t buy at least one, the Brickster’ll be forced to conclude that you’re downright dishonorable and traitorous to the cause. Do you want to go down in history with your name next to Akechi Mitsuhide’s? Hell, no! Go down the RIGHT way by buyin’ a Brick McBurly T.

January 4, 2010-Well, the New Year is upon us! The Brickster’s currently tallyin’ up the loot he scored from the New Year’s gift exchanges here in Japan. One of the advantages of havin’ rich in-laws is that they give really great high end gifts. Since they'd consider it an insult to their honor not to give me the best, I’m just helpin’ ‘em out by tryin’ to wheedle the most expensive stuff I can. But sometimes the best gifts are the least expensive ones with the most thought behind them-say, certain acts that may or may not be performed by one’s significant other that we don’t really need to go into here. Ko’s the perfect gift-giver-not only does she know exactly what I like, but has the cash to blow on it. I'm still openin' stuff three days later. Best of all, she surprised the Brickster by giftin’ him with the entire run of Metaru Samurai (Metal Samurai) on DVD. Yes, this really was an honest-to-goodness series and they really have brought it to DVD-four of ‘em, in fact:

Ko got ‘em at the Toei Studio Store at the Studio’s theme park, but after perusin' Amazon.jp the Brickster sees you can also get ‘em there. For those unfortunates who are unfamiliar with the series, it’s about a Westerner who’s livin’ as a Japanese (Matsudaira Desunoshin) in Edo period Japan. He spends most of his time hangin’ out at Otafuku (the local restaurant) with his detective pal Heihachi and moonin’ over hard drinkin’, minikimono wearin’ babe Omitsu. But when the evil merchant Echigoya and the rat bastard magistrate Obugyo (yeah, it’s a title-his name’s never used) use their horde of five ninja to prey on the innocent citizens (not to mention kidnappin’ Omitsu for Obugyo’s pleasure), Matsudaira transforms into the guitar wieldin’ master of heavy metal-the scraggly haired, leather pants wearin’ METAL SAMURAI! His command of sound and 21st century rock band stage theatrics carves a swath through the bad guys straight to Obugyo, who is summarily dispatched with one of the Shijuhatte (48 moves of Heavy Metal). And no, I ain’t makin’ a single bit of this up. The budget and scripts for Metal Samurai make Abarenbo Gaijin look like a Kurosawa film, and they bring a whole new meanin’ to the word ‘stock footage’ and ‘formula’. But you know what? I love every single episode. They’re funnier than hell and don’t pretend to be anythin’ but what they are-ridiculous, goofball entertainment where the cast is havin’ a great time. I’ll be examinin’ these in more detail when I get finished watchin’ ‘em all-try not to fall off the edge of your seat in the meantime. And if that isn’t enough to look forward to, we’ve finally got Abarenbo Gaijin Season Three in the can! Look for exclusive episode listin’s and script excerpts soon. And if Kitsuno ever gets motivated, we’ll have two new T-Shirt styles as well-mens and ladies.