I knew this was gonna be a classic from the openin’ scene. Commodore Perry (played with blustery drunken surliness by Richard Boone) is hostin’ a dinner on board the USS Powhatan for the ‘Shogun’s Commander’ (played by Mifune). Out of nowhere Perry jumps up, screams out “HAI !!!!”, and a red curtain on the balcony pulls back to reveal a bunch of dancin’ guys in blackface givin’ a bravo performance of ‘Camptown Races’. I half expected to see Foghorn Leghorn strut onto the scene for a cameo! Now, ‘Camptown Races’ has been used to great comedic effect over the years. Who can forget Herman Munster’s rousin’ rendition of it while dancin’ in those huge asphalt spreader’s boots? Or its use as the tune for Granny’s campaign song when she was runnin’ against Mrs. Drysdale for Possum Queen of Beverly Hills? “She don’t drive no limousine”, indeed! Granny-The Possum’s Choice! Still, the jaw-droppin’ effect it has here has never been approached, except maybe by Obenjo’s impromptu interpretation at last year’s Gion Matsuri. The reaction of the Japanese actors is priceless (not to mention Ko’s, who was watchin’ this movie with me). Mifune in particular has this little smirk on his face that says, “I can’t believe these jackasses are payin’ me for this”.
Now, while it’d be impossible to top ‘Doo Dah’, the movie does its darnedest. Boone as Perry is a particular riot. He appears to be drunk in all his scenes, most of which involve him gettin’ spastic over the goin’s on. He sounds like a petulant three month old who’s been deprived of his bottle, and he gets bellowin’ angry over EVERYTHIN’. His wooden whinin’ over “that DAMN sword!!!!!” creates the perfect opportunity for a drinkin’ game. Down a shot every time he says it, and you might be as loaded as he was by movie’s end!
That ‘damn sword’, natch, is the Bushido Blade of the title. It’s a gift to the US President by the Shogun, but when it’s stolen by Evil Mito Extremists the treaty between the US and Japan can’t be signed. It’s that whole honor thang, y’know. Even though foreigners are forbidden to enter the interior of Japan, Perry dispatches three men to do so and help recover the sword. After all, we’re Americans, dammit, and we know what’s best for the Japanese. One of em’s an arrogant officer, Hawk-one is Robin, a young officer with a high pitched voice wjo was probably the sweetheart of the fleet on the way over-and the other is the alleged heavyweight champion of the Pacific Squadron, although he looks like a cross between Larry of the Three Stooges and Flounder from Animal House. We’ll just call him Roundboy for convenience.
It doesn’t take long for the group’s Japanese guides to turn traitor and a Ninjer attack is mounted on the threesome. In a hilarious bit, they’re separated and Roundboy goes lookin’ for Robin, screamin’ out, “Robin! Robin! Where are you?” at which point the scene cuts to Robin bein’ thrown into the river by a bunch of Ninjer-and a short bit of the Batman TV show theme plays! Honest to god, it does. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
Roundboy stumbles into another town, and is caught by the magistrate and thrown into jail. A jail that also holds Darth Vader and the entire crew of Captain Ahab’s Pequod. Yes, James Earl Jones is on hand with that distinctive voice, bringin’ a bit of class to the proceedin’s. The entire group is then whisked off to endure somethin’ even worse than torture-their weekly bath! At Roundboy’s instigation, this erupts into a Benny Hill skit and a big fight at the bathhouse that looks like either a girl’s pillow fight without the pillows or a buncha’ gay men engaged in a slapfight. All we really need here to complete the burlesque is a little T & A. Hey, wait! Roundboy’s thrown through a wall into the women’s side of the bathhouse that’s filled with a buncha nekkid Japanese women! Bingo! Vader makes a dramatic speech full of allusions exhortin’ Roundboy to escape, which he does by takin’ out a window.
Meanwhile, Hawk is trailin’ the official Shogunal dude in charge of gettin’ the sword back-Prince Ido, played by (accordin’ to the credits) ‘Sony’ Chiba. Chiba gets whacked and decides he should make Hawk a samurai to finish up the mission, takin’ care of that primordial modern western sammyrai fantasy pretty early in the proceedin’s. Plus, we get yer stereotypical hard as nails/sweet as sugar Japanese lady, except it’s yet another non-Japanese actress (Laura Gemser) playin’ a half gaijin Japanese lady/Ninjer. The Brickster has to admit, this is one woman he wouldn’t want to cross. She outglares Sonny Chiba the entire length of the movie and her glance would make even the toughest man’s package shrivel in fear (unlike the effect she usually has on it in her other films). The stoneface never drops the entire movie. You can believe this particular chick is an ass kicker, but Gemser looks a bit worse for wear than she does in most of her adult film roles. On the bright side, she does have an impessive two point rack that any young buck would be proud to possess. Of course, since all Japanese women, even half-Japanese, instantly fall in love with American men, Hawk ends up havin’ his way with her after they’re caught by the Evil Mito Extremists. He even gets a traditional Japanese massage from her-by her walkin’ on his back like George Jefferson used to do for the lantern-jawed limey on “The Jeffersons”. And Robin, who’s been saved by a Japanese village girl, also has her fall instantly in love with him. Roundboy-well, he strikes up a relationship with a local sumo wrestler, exposin’ a beefy physique that makes the Brickster look like the subject of Iron Man magazine’s next photo shoot.
Anywho, the plot from here on is a real cluster. Hawk wants the Bushido Blade back, but must fight the champion of the Mito in a formal duel to reclaim it. And because he’s an American, dammit, when Hawk’s losin’ Ninjer Gal swoops in, cuts off the champ’s hand, swipes the Bushido Blade, and rather than go native and find the Way Of The Samurai In Death, they blow off the duel and hightail it outta there. They’re reunited with Roundboy and Robin, blow up a buncha stuff with some conveniently placed fuel, hold out against incredible odds, and get their ally Prince Ido killed. I mean, someone’s gotta die and it might as well be the one guy that can actually fight in real life.
Meanwhile, Mifune is doin’ the sensible thing by killin’ hisself after goin’ ahead and signin’ the damn treaty without havin’ the sword. His sacrifice renews the honor of the Shogun and also spares the viewer further adventures in assclownery. Perry, happy now, writes off his three man team and steams away, leavin’ them to wait three years for John Wayne to arrive and save them in “The Barbarian and the Geisha” (Wayne bein’ the Barbarian of the duo, in case ya was wonderin’). I was left wonderin’ if Vader and his crew escaped the evil baths or if an unbridled tableau of sodomy lay in their futures, and just how in the world they managed to put together the financin’ for this messterpiece.
Namely, what happens when someone that you owe money to has disappeared off the face of the earth, been forgotten about and the debt conveniently written off, but then suddenly reappears? Do you just pretend that the borrowin’ never occurred? Act like you no longer know them? Duck out of clubs whenever they enter? Or hope they’ve forgotten about the whole thing and hit ‘em up for more free drinks? Luckily fer me, Domer still seems to be exiled to Iadorkastan or somethin’ like that, so’s I got some time to ponder the options before he ends up back in Japan.
March 1, 2010-This week the Brickster wants to give a shout out to all his pals over at the Third Moon (the message board connected to the premier Splatterhouse website on the net-Splatterhouse, of course, bein’ the best horror videogame ever created) who wuz askin’ about him. In particular, I appreciated bein’ brought up to speed on all the developments over the past few months and the October edition of Play magazine that featured the reboot of the reboot. Hopefully, I’ll get my computer issues resolved and rejoin the impendin’ celebration of mass slaughter that’s due to be released this summer. As long as Koyori don’t find out, cause she hates me messin’ around with that gory and occult stuff. So Rob, Corpse Monger (the master of Splatmosphere), Rodrigo, SGraf, and everyone else-hope to be rejoinin’ ya soon!
February 22, 2010-Recently the Brickster ran across this pic in a most unexpected spot in a most unexpected context, causin’ him to hose down his computer monitor with half a can of ‘Pepsi Daikon’. Problem is, because Ko thinks I’m mean I can’t really tell you that it came from the Samurai Archives and that it has to do with a certain two-sword wearin’ bunny, and that you should easily be able to spot it yerself if ya go there. So’s I’ll have to maintain my vow of silence or there won’t be any goodies for the Brickster this week, if ya know what I mean. Still, the photo was far too laugh-inducin’ to waste, so here it is. You kin provide yer own captions, my personal fav’rits bein’ “Klown Kar Refugee Drives Punk Home”, “Takin’ One For The Team”, “Sodomy-It’s Not Just For Samurai Anymore”, or the classic “Surly Assclownery”. Looks like shudo is unspoolin’ in the center ring for children of all ages this week!
February 15, 2010-Well, Valentine’s Day 2010 has came and went, and with it, another Brick McBurly Valentine’s Day Hot Tub Party. This was our Third Annual Event-wow, can you believe it’s been that long? Anyway, as always, it went great, even though it was a bit downsized because of the economy. We had a little bit of excitement when an overzealous housewife detrunked the Brickster, leadin’ to a rash of Nessie sightin’s among the other gals-but as usual Koyori spoiled the party and ‘debunked’ the legend by stuffin’ it back in the old Speedo. There was another mishap as well-it must have been a slow news day since we even made the Kyoto edition of the Yomiuri Shimbun, pushin’ the second part of an interview with cartoonist Stan Sakai to the rear page of the entertainment section. Here’s the translation of the feature:
The third annual Brick McBurly Valentine’s Day Hot Tub Party was a lively event, being conducted by Eigamura Park in conjunction with foreign film star Brick McBurly (Abarenbo Gaijin, Samurai Sexecutioner). The ladies-only event was moved indoors this year to the Park’s heated Olympic sized-pool in an effort to save money (the first event was held in the Park’s spacious outdoors special effects tank). The smaller venue made it a more exclusive event, as spots were limited and were raffled off with the proceeds going to the ‘Hearts for Haiti’ foundation. This caused a bit of unrest among fans that were unable to secure a spot. Harried security forces were forced to deal with intercepting disgruntled female fans attempting to sneak in, along with the usual unwelcome complement of female impersonators and other male fans. But things became even stranger when a talking two sword rabbit wearing a hakama demanded an audience with McBurly.
The rabbit, who identified himself as Hubbagoya, claimed that McBurly had sullied his honor the previous week by humiliating him publicly on McBurly Monogatari (Brick’s popular blog). He stated that he was there to pursue an unsanctioned vendetta against McBurly, and figured that appearing at the Hot Tub Party would give him the greatest chance of finding his opponent unarmed. The rabbit appeared to have recovered nicely from his recent execution by Shogun Kitsuno at Sanjohachi, but the stench of soiled hakama still lingered in the air. What happened next is perhaps best told in the Brickster’s own words, as related afterwards to our entertainment reporter Nakamura Yuki as she cuddled up to him in the pool:
“A frickin’ two sword rabbit? Sullied honor and soiled hakama? I knew it had to be that surly assclown Hubbagoya. It was time to do or die, but I had my duty to my fans to think about. I just couldn’t leave this cozy pool and abandon all these cheerful, half drunk ladies! It was the classic bushido conflict of ‘giri’ and ‘ninjo’. Ask Pat Galloway if ya don’t believe me. Anyway, in a perfect world Onnamusha woulda had her ‘Akita Soji’ costume ready and I coulda sent her out to deal with Hubbagoya as my representative. After all, who better to deal with a troublemakin’ unwashed ronin bunny than a Dog of the Shogunate (yuk, yuk)? But I guess she was too busy shovelin’ snow or brewin’ up a batch’a shine.
Then my eyes turned to Hikonyan, who was amusin’ the ladies by doin’ bellyflops into the shallow end of the pool and dancin’ with a lampshade on his head. So’s I told him to go earn his keep and roust the interloper. Now, Hikonyan ain’t done any real fightin’ in over 400 years, so it took a bit of convincin’ to get him to do it, but the cheers of over 1000 horny ladies exhortin’ the ‘cute little kitty’ to go pound some sense into the wascally wabbit musta done the trick. Plus, Hikonyan was pretty drunk, and he’s a nasty drunk. He set off for the showdown with Hubbagoya.
Hikonyan explained that the Hot Tub Party was still bein’ held in the special effects tank, and would Hubbagoya please follow him. After gettin’ there, he screamed out ‘Everybody into the pool!!!!’, just like in that Flintstones episode, and pushed the frightened Hubbagoya into the tank. This roused from hibernation Manda the Water Dragon who was winterin’ in the pool, and in due course Hubbagoya became little more than dragon excrement. It was a happy endin’ for everyone, and I gotta admit, the little white tubba’ goo did a darn fine job handlin’ the sitch in a low key and understated manner.”
Hubbagoya vows to get better and that “This isn’t over-I’ll get you for this!”
McBurly’s reply? “Aw, he had it comin’.”
This article was approved by Koyori McBurly.
February 8, 2010-If you’ve been checkin’ out this page on a regular basis, you probably already know that I had a kickass post for this date that ain’t here anymore. Why? Well, here’s the story. Recently one of the members of the Samurai Archives got postal because no one was able to help him get a newspaper he wanted (which, in an ironic turn, turns out I had since we subscribe to the paper in question and Ko hadn’t put it out for recyclin’ yet). He got all obnoxious and abusive, callin’ several of the SA’s members nasty names, and even insulted them on another forum (a forum which, it should be noted, is virtually abandoned these days thanks to geniuses like him). Tryin’ to understand his misplaced anger, I put together a psychological evaluation of the mook in an attempt to reach out and better deal with his affliction and hopefully encourage him to seek help. It really hit the nail on the head, and the Brickster even received an email from an SA forumite praisin’ him for bein’ so ‘solicitous’. It coulda saved the poor tortured soul a mountain of therapy sessions, not to mention a goodly bit of cash. My final diagnosis of him sufferin’ from ‘Surly Assclownery’ was embraced by the SA’s just and fair Shogun, Kitsuno, and well…this was the therapy he decided to implement:
So, job well done, problem identified and solved, everyone happy all the way around. And I published my findin’s in a white paper here on the Monogatari (preservin’ the subject’s identity and anonymity) in an effort to help those sufferin’ from Assclownery in the future. But Koyori told me that I was “being mean” and that I needed to take it down, pronto. Even though she agreed that the goof in question was actin’ like an assclown and deserved every bit of it. Knowin’ what side my bread is buttered on, I deleted it. Bein’ married to a Pollyanna sure can be a pain in the butt sometimes. And I might as well tell ya, I had to run this post by Ko too. I think she felt bad for castratin’ me in front of my peers so she decided to let me blame her for everythin’, which is one of the great things about women. So there ya have it.
February 1, 2010-The Brickster loves Animeigo (which certain dumbass self-proclaimed experts have spelled Animeiga, I hear)-especially the last couple of years where they’ve been featurin’ releases from the golden age of Japanese samurai cinema in the 60’s and also regular classics of Japanese cinema like Black Rain, Tora-San, and Japan’s Longest Day. And they’ve done their part to keep the unscrupulous vultures and piratin’ bastards of the grey market from preyin’ on the chanbara starved masses of Gotham City. But sheesh-getta load of their packagin’ for the upcomin’ release of five of the six Nakamura “Miyamoto Musashi” films from the early 60’s. Musashi-The Ultimate Samurai? I think not. As regular readers of McBurly Monogatari know, Musashi was just an unwashed pedophile who loved his sword more than women and couldn’t even take down some scared peasant with a rock. His importance (or lack thereof) in Japanese history is underscored by the fact that in the definitive six volume Cambridge History of Japan his name isn’t even mentioned once. Well, maybe Animeigo is referrin’ to how he’s portrayed in the film and not his performance in history. Anyway, the boxed set looks to be a winner, even if the historical Musashi only became one by settin’ up his goons to ambush Kojiro Sasaki at Funajima and then takin’ the credit for hisself.
January 25, 2010-The Brickster really ain’t that much of a video gamer-heck, anythin’ happenin’ in Grand Theft Auto pales in comparison to a typical day at the studio. And why mess with datin’ sims when the real experience is so much more fun? But since Ko, in an effort to keep me off the streets an’ outta trouble, plunked down ￥33900 to give me the Sengoku Musou 3 Wii Bundle, I figured she’d be a tad upset if I didn’t at least go through the motions of tryin’ it out. And whaddya know-I actually liked it! Not only is the game based (loosely…VERY loosely) on the Warrin’ States era, but I can even play as that famed womanizer of lore, Saika Magoichi. But the real reason to play is perhaps summed up best by the accompanyin’ pictures. Kunoichi and Nene are just the tip of the iceberg-some of the chicks in the game, like No and Kai, have cups that are runnin’ over big time if you know what I mean. I just picked Kuno and Nene since they remind me of Ko, not just physically but attitude wise (particularly Nene, who professes her love for Hideyoshi while ruthlessly ridin’ herd on him). Even better, I was able to put myself in the game by whippin’ up a virtual McBurly in ‘Create-A-Warrior’ Mode. Nothin’ like watchin’ yerself dole out the punishment to a bunch of overrated goofs like Shingen and Nobunaga!
But, once again, the Brickster is digressin’. What was a fun gamin’ experience quickly turned sour when I accessed the ‘extras’ menu. In there, I saw a menu for ‘extra content’ and clicked on it. And whaddya know-there was an option there to download an entirely new mode, ‘Historical Mode’, where your created character can choose from three different scenarios, each dealin’ with a different time frame of the Sengoku. Then I noticed that there was a ￥300 charge for each of the three! I guess it ain’t enough for Koei and Nintendo to have you drop over 300 bucks to play a game, but then they have to soak you for an extra ￥900. I could feel one of the suits from Koei stickin’ his hand in my pocket right then and there. While I wouldn’ta minded if it had been a cute OL doin’ that, I don’t want those Nintendo Mafioso Mario and Luigi fishin’ around for my wallet. Not to mention that in a coupla months Koei’ll make a couple of NPC’s playable, maybe add a battle, and charge you for that too-not to mention probably doin’ an ‘Empires’ version of the game down the line. Soon, I can envision buyin’ a game, payin’ ￥7000, and openin’ it up to find a blank disc that prompts you to buy a bunch of downloadable crap in order to play. Now, the right way to do this is to give away all the downloadable add-ons for free, like they do on the PS3. Not like the XBOX360, where Microsoft not only makes you pay for the exact same add-ons the PS3 gives away, but then gives you the wrong ones. Tatsu tells me that if you buy all three add-ons for ‘Way of the Samurai 3’, you’ll find you get the EXACT SAME CONTENT for each of the three. Pay for three, get one-somebody is gettin’ rich off that deal.
Anyway, the story had a happy endin’ since Ko had also given me Wii points (even though these are also a moneymakin’ scheme designed to pad out a purchase with a service charge and have you pay up front for points that may never be used). Not only was I able to buy the three scenarios, but also all three versions of ‘Splatterhouse’ that are on the Japanese network. Still, it’s a lot different from the Brickster’s method of doin’ business, where the gals find that the download is already included with the package.
January 18th, 2010-Hey, the Brickster wants to extend his congrats to his pal Tatsu over at the Samurai Archives, whose essay “Bushido: The Soul of Chambara” was released last week on Animeigo’s new “Bushido: The Cruel Code of the Samurai” DVD. Tatsu, whose specialty seems to be lettin’ the air out of over inflated legends, doles out his special brand of punishment to Kato Kiyomasa, ‘Big Moose’ Musashi, and the 47 Ronin among others. Personally, I wonder why he didn’t throw Yoshitsune under the bus as well-after all, Benkei’s little buddy was a treacherous, schemin’ bastard. One thing I found amusin’ is that Tatsu never uses three words when he can use ten. I hope he never gets a cell phone, because if he ever had to Tweet, keepin’ somethin’ under 140 characters would cause his brain to explode. Now, while word has it that if Tatsu had just listened to his wife Ayame the piece woulda’ been a hundred times better, it still seems to have caught on with the critics. Pat Galloway gave it a shout out on his ‘Asia Shock’ blog and Amazon Top 50 reviewer Zack Davisson had this to say:
“Animeigo has put together their usual excellent package for the release of such an important film. Probably my favorite of the extras available was an essay by samurai scholar Randy Schadel discussing the truth behind bushido, and how it was essentially an invented code enforced on the peasants but followed by few of the aristocracy themselves.”
Well, actually, that ain’t what the essay said at all, but I gave Zack a helpful vote anyway. Tatsu told me he hopes the piece will inspire its readers to do some readin’ and maybe check out the Samurai Archives in the process. It inspired me to wonder what his wife would look like decked out in a ‘Sailor Moon’ costume, or maybe pink and black frilly Valentine’s Day underwear. I’m not sure why, but there ya go. To congratulate Tatsu, I sent him a special ladies ‘Brick Layer’ T to give to her.
By the way, there’s a movie on the DVD, too, and it’s pretty good.
January 11, 2010-The Brickster is proud to announce that the ‘Brick McBurly’ T-Shirt Shop (seen HERE) at the Samurai Archives is sellin’ three (or five, dependin’ on how ya count) brand new styles of licensed Brick McBurly T-Shirts! Yes, guys, it’s time to throw out that ripped up worn out ‘Abarenbo Gaijin’ shirt (or better yet, use it ta polish yer classic ride, like my orange '66 Mustang) and take things to the next level. But the REALLY big news is that the Brickster’s listened to his legions of adorin’ female fans and put together a stylish women’s T just for them!
First off is the 'The Brickster: Jidaigeki Legend/Miko No Kami’ men’s T (in style ONE or TWO). Each one of these babies is painstakin’ly stitched together by Cafe Press’s piece workin’ ronin turned yamabushi and infused with sekrit mystical powers. Guys, boldly state that just like the Brickster, you’re a legend AND a chick magnet-well, assumin’ your wife or significant other lets you be. It practically screams out “Yes, Bush-ido is practiced here.” Let it be known to shrine maidens across the land that there’s a safe haven to be found in your arms! Now, while we can’t guarantee that wearin’ this shirt will draw those cute gals in the sexy red and white outfits from miles around to you like a beacon in the darkness, it sure works that way for me. Will beauteous shrine maidens be magikally compelled to seek your protection and paw your body through the rich, comfortable fabric? Well, bub, you’ll never know unless you buy one.
And assumin’ that shirt works for you the way it works for me, what better gift to give afterwards than the brand new ‘Abarenbo Gaijin-Brick Layer’ T? This form-fittin’ ladies T-shirt is guaranteed to show off any woman’s up-front assets to maximum advantage. Ko looks like she's been poured into hers, and that particular drink's to my likin'. The Brickster usta have the prototypes made up in bulk and has been passin’ 'em out as keepsakes to his more…shall we say, forthcomin’ female fans. It’d be tough to find a gal in Kyoto that doesn’t have one of these secreted away in her closet. You’ll also see Tomoe Gozen, Ichi, the Princess of the Mirth Spider Tribe, and other hot historical babes wearin’ these in ‘Abarenbo Gaijin-Season Three’! Ladies, it’s your chance to boast to the world of your proud conquest-heck, it’s practically a feminist statement! Join the ranks of the ‘Brick Layers’ and impress all your friends. Be the envy of the crowd at the next ‘Brick McBurly Valentines Day Hot Tub Party’! Make sure to think up a convincin’ cover story if you plan on wearin’ it in front of your husband, though, cause I'll deny everythin'.
And best of all, every purchase helps enrich the coffers of the Samurai Archives and insure that it remains a safe haven for Japanese history junkies everywhere. In fact, if you don’t buy at least one, the Brickster’ll be forced to conclude that you’re downright dishonorable and traitorous to the cause. Do you want to go down in history with your name next to Akechi Mitsuhide’s? Hell, no! Go down the RIGHT way by buyin’ a Brick McBurly T.
January 4, 2010-Well, the New Year is upon us! The Brickster’s currently tallyin’ up the loot he scored from the New Year’s gift exchanges here in Japan. One of the advantages of havin’ rich in-laws is that they give really great high end gifts. Since they'd consider it an insult to their honor not to give me the best, I’m just helpin’ ‘em out by tryin’ to wheedle the most expensive stuff I can. But sometimes the best gifts are the least expensive ones with the most thought behind them-say, certain acts that may or may not be performed by one’s significant other that we don’t really need to go into here. Ko’s the perfect gift-giver-not only does she know exactly what I like, but has the cash to blow on it. I'm still openin' stuff three days later. Best of all, she surprised the Brickster by giftin’ him with the entire run of Metaru Samurai (Metal Samurai) on DVD. Yes, this really was an honest-to-goodness series and they really have brought it to DVD-four of ‘em, in fact:
Ko got ‘em at the Toei Studio Store at the Studio’s theme park, but after perusin' Amazon.jp the Brickster sees you can also get ‘em there. For those unfortunates who are unfamiliar with the series, it’s about a Westerner who’s livin’ as a Japanese (Matsudaira Desunoshin) in Edo period Japan. He spends most of his time hangin’ out at Otafuku (the local restaurant) with his detective pal Heihachi and moonin’ over hard drinkin’, minikimono wearin’ babe Omitsu. But when the evil merchant Echigoya and the rat bastard magistrate Obugyo (yeah, it’s a title-his name’s never used) use their horde of five ninja to prey on the innocent citizens (not to mention kidnappin’ Omitsu for Obugyo’s pleasure), Matsudaira transforms into the guitar wieldin’ master of heavy metal-the scraggly haired, leather pants wearin’ METAL SAMURAI! His command of sound and 21st century rock band stage theatrics carves a swath through the bad guys straight to Obugyo, who is summarily dispatched with one of the Shijuhatte (48 moves of Heavy Metal). And no, I ain’t makin’ a single bit of this up. The budget and scripts for Metal Samurai make Abarenbo Gaijin look like a Kurosawa film, and they bring a whole new meanin’ to the word ‘stock footage’ and ‘formula’. But you know what? I love every single episode. They’re funnier than hell and don’t pretend to be anythin’ but what they are-ridiculous, goofball entertainment where the cast is havin’ a great time. I’ll be examinin’ these in more detail when I get finished watchin’ ‘em all-try not to fall off the edge of your seat in the meantime. And if that isn’t enough to look forward to, we’ve finally got Abarenbo Gaijin Season Three in the can! Look for exclusive episode listin’s and script excerpts soon. And if Kitsuno ever gets motivated, we’ll have two new T-Shirt styles as well-men’s and ladies.