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October 20, 2008



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October 20, 2008-New to the site, and only because Ko loves cute fuzzy animals and made me do it, is "Hikonyan's Guide To Japanese History". You can get there by clickin' on the Hikonyan link on the bar above. You can hear the fat ass feline guardian of Hikone Castle babble on about any number of things, very few of which make any sense. You won't get the amazin' insights and critical info you find on the Brickster's part of the site, but after all, the big white blob is just a cat.

October 13, 2008-The Brickster's changed the 'Mystery Photos' page to 'Awesome Feats And Mysteries', based largely on the works of two gaijin that make his paltry feats look like the works of a child in comparison. Well, that and the fact that Koyori showed me how to host videos on the site and program them into html (instead of just linkin' to them). You can read about them HERE.

October 6, 2008-Readin' a lot of newer takes on WWII, it seems that in 1945 morale among American troops in the Pacific was flaggin' big time. There are records of mutinous behavior in the Navy, and the Marines and Army were grumblin' about what was shapin' up to be the last word in bloody, brutal battles-the invasion of Kyushu on the way to an invasion of the Japanese mainland. That ain't even includin' the troops in Europe that had just kicked the Nazis in the butt and were now starin' down the prospect of havin' to do it all over again with the Japanese-and who were highly pissed about it. As was the homefront, where everyone was sick of the whole mess and wanted it over now-and all this groundswell of rebellion was what prompted Truman to drop the hammer on Japan and introduce the Land Of The Risin' Sun to Johnny Radiation.

Or so they say. The Brickster never put much stock into this line of thinkin'-revisionist historians are always tryin' to make a name for themselves and sell books by makin' ridiculous, outrageous claims (like that damn Hikonyan). Well, I should say I never used to put much stock into it-until I was goin' through some ex-US soldier's WWII memorabilia in a dusty corner of a Japanese junk store and found the poster on the right-looks like even the propaganda machine of the armed forces was up in arms and wantin' to get back to what was really important in life. Can't say I blame 'em-the Brickster would have been on PT 73 with Commander McHale if he'd been unlucky enough to have fought in the Pacific Theater in WWII. Just the thought of acciden'tly offin' Ko's dad in battle and havin' her sweet little self not born was enough to convince me that the troops had the right idea in '45. I bought the poster and framed it-it's now hangin' on my wall to show my patriotism and appreciation for the vets that blazed the trail and made Japan such a great place to live for gaijin.

September 29, 2008-Well, the Brickster has finished up the script for the sequel to “Shogun Sexecutioner II: The Amorous Assassin”. As Obenjo reported last week, it’ll be called “Shogun Sexecutioner III: The 69th Ronin” and will bring the trilogy to a triumphant conclusion. I spent an inordinately long time meticulously craftin’ the script-it took the better part of four days (well, Koyori was off visitin’ her mom so there wasn’t much else to do). The production crew at the studio has come up with the tag line for the one sheet (“They’re looking to get revenge…He’s looking to get some”) along with some pre-production concept art. As a treat for Mc Burly Monogatari readers, here’s one of the sketches-


As you can see, the Brickster is as horny as ever and is determined to carry the fight to the villainous 47 Ronin-he’s decked out in armor from the days when samurai were real men to teach them what bein’ a warrior is all about. The sashimono is accurate down to the last brushstroke (heck, I bet Evalerio’s preppin’ a copy for the Samurai Heraldry thread as we speak). While we don’t want to give away all the surprises in the script, here’s an overview of the plotline:

“Orugasuma Eito, former Shogunal Executioner, has failed in his attempt to assassinate the lecher lord Asano (largely through the interference of Asano’s retainers and their hired ninja). Asano instead has fallen victim to his own shortcomin’s and is forced to commit seppuku by the Bakufu, robbin’ Eito of his quarry. To reclaim his honor, Eito decides that he must destroy the core group of Asano’s vassals-the infamous 47 Ronin, who even now are plottin’ to murder the wise, just, and compassionate Lord Kira Yoshinaka.
Employin’ an ingenious plan, Eito decides that bitchin’, naggin’ women are the best way to put an end to the nefarious plans of Oishi Kuranosuke and his band of slaverin’ jackals. To this end, he sets out to seduce and gain the favor of the wives and girlfriends of the Ronin, knowin’ full well he is engaged in a race against time to corral all 47 before the plot is carried out. It’s kinda like an Edo version of Pokemon, so to speak-gotta catch ‘em all! While an exhausted Eito carries his plan through to perfection, he’s made a fatal miscalculation-the Ronin left their families long ago and no longer have contact with them. An alternate plan suggests itself-Eito instead enlists the help of the daughters of the Ronin, tradin’ on their anger at their fathers for abandonin’ their families and not even payin’ child support.

In a huge marketin’ coup, we’ve gotten the gals of ‘Morning Musume’ to reprise their roles from the hit Edo period musical ‘Edokko Chushingura’ (shown is the DVD cover-it’s a must see!). In a final stroke of genius, Eito decides they need a man on the inside. He joins the Ronin, usin’ the pretense of his anger at the Shogunate for cuttin’ him loose years earlier to be accepted into their group.

When the raid finally occurs, Eito and the Musume gals swing into action, pummelin’ the 47 with a variety of non-lethal techniques (hey, you don’t expect Eito to kill the fathers in front of the daughters, do you? It just ain’t somethin’ a hero does). Pretty easy all told, since the cowardly Ronin weren’t expectin’ any tougher opposition than an old man and a bunch of maids with brooms. In fact, Lord Kira joins the fray and turns out to be a master swordsman, knockin’ out several Ronin with the reverse side of his sword (we’re hopin’ like hell to get Matsudaira Ken for the role-no one flips the sword to the reverse side quite like him). Before long, Eito’s mastery of the martial arts along with the devastatin’ singin’ and dancin’ moves by Morning Musume have left all the Ronin unconscious. Not to say it’s without casualties-in the confusion, one of the Ronin accidentally decapitates a door-to-door stutterin’ bible salesman who hasn’t heard about the ban on Christianity. SA Members will be pleased to hear that board member and noted film critic Ashigaru makes his big screen debut, playin’ the part of the severed head. Granted, it’s non-speakin’, but you gotta start somewhere and this ain’t Makai Tensho. 

Kira and Eito congratulate each other, and Kira reveals the reason for Asano’s assault in Edo castle. Turns out it was nothin’ more than a case of Asano bein’ a surly drunk. Kira and Eito hit upon a plan that ties up everythin’ nicely. They take the bible salesman’s head, wrap it up nicely, and leave it for the Ronin with a note that it’s the head of Lord Kira. Since Oishi gets sick at the sight of blood, no one bothers to check it and the Ronin deliver the head to Asano’s grave. They then turn themselves in to the Bakufu, since they figure they’ll be safe from Eito and their daughters there.

However, from behind the scenes Kira sees to it that the group is condemned and sentenced to commit seppuku. In the final irony, as the Ronin are led to their deaths they find that their second is to be…the newly restored Shogun Executioner and Keeper Of The Ooku, Orugasuma Eito! Yes, Kira has requested that Shogun Tsunayoshi restore Eito’s post and good name. Since Tsunayoshi prefers men anyway, turns out he was never all that mad at Eito for dallyin’ in the Ooku in the first place. The evil Asano had forced the Shogun’s hand in an effort to gain the position for himself! Buddhist monks arrive to proclaim that the wheel of karma is now complete and to lead the cast in a final rousin’ song and dance number (joined by the singin’ heads of the 47 Ronin).”

Man, this is a can’t miss and has the potential to be my biggest film EVAR! With my cut of the gross, I might even be able to finish payin’ off my Mustang and have enough left over to buy a round of drinks for a change!


September 22, 2008-Whoo-hoo! Another big screen feel good summertime release for the Brickster. First off, here's the prerelease flyer from the press kit for the Brickster's newest classic, Shogun Sexecutioner II: The Amorous Assassin: 

 Here's a post on the Samurai Archives Samurai Film board about the film, penned by ny agent Obenjo Kusanosuke (who also produced all the press kit materials):

I managed to get some stuff out of the official media kit for Brick McBurly’s latest film, Shogun Sexecutioner II: The Amorous Assassin. Brick forgot to get me an invitation to the sneak preview/world premiere that was held in the Kabukicho area of Shinjuku in Tokyo last night, but Ashigaru, who was invited, stopped over my place this morning on his way home from the all-night post-premier party. He lost most of his media kit stuff somewhere between the Bar Furry Kitty and the Yamanote line train he rode around 7:30 this morning. Ashi was able to tell me what the story is about before passing out and gave me a couple of b&w publicity stills that were included with the media kit.

Apparently, Brick's character, Orugasuma Eito, former shogunal executioner, who lost his job and status because he was playing around in the Ooku (SE I), is back and up to his usual escapades. Maruhanki, a wealthy kimono merchant in Edo, hires Orugasuma to assassinate a daimyo-none other than Asano Naganori, Lord of Ako. The film takes place in late 1700, a little before the famous incident in Edos Hall of Pines involving Asano and the hapless Lord Kira (Brick's note-this would be the famous '47 Ronin' incident). Anyway, the lecherous Asano had his way with Maruhanki's wife, O-Sukurichi, and the shame of the incident can only be cleansed by the flowing of Asano's blood. Orugasuma is given his contract and proceeds to start hunting down his target. But Asano, as dumb as he is, has a few sharp retainers who figure out that Orugasuma is after their lord. So, they wisely hide Asano in the notorious Yoshiwara red-light district, where their daimyo can lay low and indulge in his lecherous ways. Orugasuma gets wind of where Asano is hiding and happily trails him into the Yoshiwara. Brick rationalizes it as "Why not mix a little business with pleasure?"

Orugasuma proceeds to enter a brothel, expecting to find Asano, but is instead attacked by a horde of working gals who have been paid-off by Asano's retainers. Brick is stripped down to his fundoshi and forced to strut his stuff for the ladies in a latticed cage, reversing the norm and making a strong social statement at the same time. But Brick being Brick, decides to make the most of the situation, turning his confinement into a stage show of sorts and becoming extremely popular with the ladies and a source of income for the brothel's mama-san. (see photo above). Ladies from all the houses are soon coming to see the Brickster's show. After raking in 500 ryo in a three day period, Brick is set free and given a free run of the house and finds himself being asked to help many a beautiful lady wash their back in the bath (see photo below).

But what about Asano? Has Orugasuma forgotten his mark? Well, winter has set in, and Orugasuma decides to stay where it's warm and cozy. Asano has not been forgotten, but he can wait. In the meantime, the Ako retainers send ninja after Orugasuma and between taking care of the ladies and ninjers, Brick stays quite busy-buying time for Asano to sneak out of the Yoshiwara so he can attend to his official duties at Edo Castle. The movie ends in 1703-with Orugasuma realizing that he really has spent too much time in the Yoshiwara and it's time to ramble on. Asano is dead-he proceeded to get himself in a lot of trouble and had to commit seppuku in March 1701, but a grudge match with the ronin of Ako looms on the horizon. This new chapter will be dealt with in the third and final installment of the Shogun Sexecutioner series, and the film is tentatively called The 69th Ronin. Pre-production activity for this film is underway.

And the Brickster's reply:
"Thanks, Obenjo! That was a very rewardin' scene to pull off as an actor-revealin' the Brickster's vulnerability and yet showcase his optomistic never-say-die approach to life. And chicks that like to use three names just eat up that socially relevant crap.
Our musical composer did a really kickass job of adaptin' Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" and Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" for the samisen, too! Nothin' like havin' the right Japanese traditional music to dance to.
I'd also like to give a big tip of the Brickster's hat to my special FX guys, fer makin' me larger than life (so to speak)."

The sequel to the trilogy's already been green lighted-"The 69th Ronin". I'm poundin' out the script right now, and I'll have more info up next week.


September 15, 2008-The Brickster, bein' a public spirited good citizen an' all, recently signed on to do a series of PSA's (Public Service Announcements) here in Japan. As Western culture exerts more and more influence on Japanese mores, marital infidelity has become a bigger and bigger problem (although lookin' throughout Japanese history, seems to me that it's always been around big time). Anyway, some of the more morally upstandin' citizens groups in Kyoto decided to run a series of magazine ads exposin' the dangers of screwin' around on your mate (rangin' from financial concerns and STD's to more practical and immediate dangers)-and of course, the Brickster came immediately to mind. Now, not that I would ever, ever, EVER run around behind Koyori's back (just ask the private detectives Ko's dad has trailin' me around), but I sure got the public image and rep for it (it ain't my fault-really), and as far as the Japanese are concerned, if you can blame a foreigner for somethin', so much the better. For me, even though it ain't a payin' gig it's more exposure and doin' a public service might help me out the next time I get into hot water with the law. Anyway, I'm doin' the first ad in the series, and thanks to noted photog Cosmo from Third Moon Studios, here's the finished product:

The message here is pretty clear, dontcha think? OK, granted, if this was real life I'd likely run off way before he could tear loose one of those swords from the display, or his wife would be so enamoured of my virtuoso performance that she'd grab the sword and turn her hubby into a popsicle, if ya catch my drift. 


In other news, everyone knows about the fascination that fast food icon Ronald McDonald has for the Japanese-just check out the Brickster's links page for a whacked-out example. But recently, while waitin' on the Shinkansen, I saw somethin' scurryin' off into the recesses of the tracks. Thinkin' it was another damn sarariman lookin' to end it all, I jumped down to drag his ass back up on the platform. But it wasn't a suicidial businessman-but a homicidal clown. I barely had time to snap a pic with Koyori's cell before he bolted off into the darkness. It all happened too fast to tell if it was THE Ronald or a cannibalistic imposter, but in any case I think I'll be skippin' Mickey D's just to be safe.

And check out this pic-just when you think your fatih in public figures can't drop any lower, you get this shot.






September 6, 2008-Like I wrote about several months ago, the Brickster has to take lessons to learn how to deal with the animal co-stars that are sometimes in his movies. F'r instance, there's Corky the Wonder Dog and Tetsuko the Hawk (the one that stole the pizza-man from the yakuza-lookin' gaijin in Kyoto, as you recall). This time, we were filmin' an episode of Abarenbo Gaijin where Hojo Ujimasa musters the entire male population of his lands to take part in an upcomin' battle, and that "not even a monkey tamer will be left off". In a throwaway gag, the Brickster had adopted the disguise of a monkey trainer for the express purpose of avoidin' the draft (and ends up sendin' the monkey in his place). But even a throwaway gag in a movie or TV show can involve a lot of work and trainin' for those involved-so a few days back I found myself in Tokyo to learn how to work with my new little co-star, Tokichiro.

Tokichiro's kinda a celeb in his own right-many of you probably remember him from a couple of weeks ago in an Emobile commercial that made fun of US Presidential Candidate Obama Bin Laden. It doesn't seem like his status has swelled his head, though, since he and the Brickster got along just fine-so fine, in fact, that the Brickster thought it would be a blast to take him along on a night on the town. It really wasn't much different than havin' Obenjo along, especially since I'd trained Tokichiro to pull down women's tops (just like his historical namesake was fond 'o doin') and play "Dance Dance Revolution". We visited the Lucky Star tea house a couple of blocks east of the Emperor's Palace. Of course, I didn't take into consideration that Toki would turn out to be a surly drunk. The second I turned my back on him, he vanished like mornin' dew in the summer sun-or Mountain Dew from my fridge. I got the club manager to play back the surveilance tape and we saw him scuttlin' out the door with some blonde gaijin chick. I found her outside, topless and crocked to the gills-seems Tokichiro had promised her a ride in his Ferrari usin' sign language, and when she saw his tricycle she realized she'd been duped. Well, I apologized for the little runt and spent half an hour or so helpin' her back into her top-and her pants, which weren't off, but it never hurts to be sure.

I figured he'd be pretty easy to find-but days later, the little bastard is still eludin' us and havin' his way with Tokyo's finest as well:

"Monkey leads Tokyo police on wild chase
September 5, 2008
Japan's most-wanted fugitive has been eluding police for nearly a month. He slips urban dragnets. He runs through crowded train stations, shocking commuters. He even urinates in public. That may not be too surprising - since the culprit is a wild monkey.
The cheeky, red-faced primate has been giving Tokyo authorities a headache since it showed up on city streets a few weeks ago, repeatedly eluding capture by net-wielding police.

"This monkey is driving us crazy," said Tadayoshi Toyama, police official in the Tokyo neighbourhood of Kanda, where the monkey was seen last weekend. "It's so agile, and we only have nets."

The primate - a Japanese macaque - first leapt onto the national stage in August. It showed up in Tokyo's Shibuya station and gazed down at the crowd from atop a schedule board before deftly escaping dozens of police and dashing to a park. Since then, the monkey - which some authorities suspect hitched a train ride from nearby mountains into the city - has been sighted repeatedly around Tokyo. But the animal always manages to slip away before police can catch it. Tokyo residents have been delighted rather than alarmed by its appearances. At Shibuya, scores of commuters and school students snapped photos of the animal with their mobile phones. But for police, chasing the monkey has been time-consuming work. Each sighting forces net-wielding police to rush to the scene. Police had to mobilise 10 times over the last weekend alone, but without success. On Monday, the monkey was seen sitting in front of a fruit shop staring at the bananas, but was apparently shooed away before snatching its breakfast, Toyama said.
It was later spotted outside a nearby restaurant, then on a powerline, looking down the policemen who arrived at the scene after someone called in the tip.

"Then the monkey urinated to the ground," said Toyama. "What a troublemaker. We have to catch him as soon as possible."

The monkey has not injured anyone or taken food, and it's so stealthy that authorities haven't even gotten a good enough look to determine whether it's male or female. Yoshiaki Sagawa, an official at Tokyo's Ueno Zoo, said odds are the monkey is not a runaway pet because it's not tamed. "It's probably a country monkey that has gotten lost from the troop and ended up in the city. Male monkeys sometimes act independently, and that's what might have happened," Sagawa said. The monkey is probably living on rainwater, leaves and berries on trees in the park, or from someone's yard, he said. Monkeys are common in rural Japan where they often damage crops, and have been known to bite humans. A rise in the monkey population in recent years has led to more of them foraging beyond forests into farms and towns.


This was from CNN news-you can read the original article HERE.

Anyway, Tokichiro was actin' just like most every salaryman does, down to the part about urinatin' in public (although he hasn't taken to throwin' his feces yet). The cops blame me for him bein' so hard to catch (the Brickster's escapes from transit authorities are legendary), but like I told them, if he had then he would be moochin' free food and drinks as well. I was hopin' he'd turn back up as soon as he got sober, but it looks like he enjoys the wild life. I told the cops that their best bet would be to stake out the Soapland district or any of the 'Cosplay Parks' on Sunday.

When we catch him, I'll make sure I give him a stern talkin' to, and probably a spankin' as well-although I got to admit, I like his spirit. I'd considered makin' him my vice-presidential candidate, but Koyori told me the voters would have a tough time tellin' us apart. Well, that's just crap-it'd be easy (he dresses way better than me).

September 1, 2008-Now that the two lamest and most poorly qualified candidates for US President have made it official, the Brickster has determined it's time for a surgical strike on the US political landscape that'll make Nobunaga's attack on Okehazama look like a bunch of kids playin' at summer camp. I'm makin' my move-check out the news story HERE.

August 26, 2008-As I wrote in the ‘Sex In McDonald’s’ post a few months ago, bein’ the Brickster means that you constantly have to be guardin’ against bein’ blindsided. Whether it’s gettin’ the blame for somethin’ you had nothin’ to do with (like at Mickey D’s) or havin’ a friend turn fink on ya, it’s always an issue. 

Today the Brickster was just mindin’ his own business, cruisin’ the internet and checkin’ out his second favorite website, the Samurai Archives. He goes to the samurai film forum and sees that right next to the Brickster’s Yashiki is an interview Obenjo The K did with the Brickster’s old pal (or so he thought), Pat Galloway. “Oh”, thinks the Brickster, “this oughta be good-Pat’s always got somethin’ intrestin’ to say about the world of jidai-geki and chambara”. And it was, up until the time that he threw the Brickster under the bus:

Obenjo: I noticed Brick McBurly didn’t make your list. Why? I’m struggling to understand this. I thought he was brilliant in his jidai geki debut The Dog Style Shogun. Even though we couldn’t see his face throughout the movie, his portrayal of Hattori Hanzo left me speechless.

Pat Galloway: Brick who? Is that the white guy who plays a samurai in Kiss makeup? Otherwise I don't know who you're talking about. Why would you bring up some silly-named nobody in an interview like this? You were doing pretty good until this last question...

Silly named? Well, that’s debatable-I don’t think names come any tougher than Brick. But a nobody? Hell, I’m in the phone book, and by Steve Martin criteria, that makes me a somebody. Ain’t that just like a guy to get a taste of success and then forget his friends? And after the Brickster wrote such a glowin’ review of Pat’s upcomin’ book ‘Warring Clans, Flashing Blades: A Samurai Film Companion’ (preorder yours today!):

"Galloway manages to translate the action, visual poetry, and standout performances of these samurai film classics to the written page in a way that combines the best of a scholarly approach with a fan friendly attitude. He not only KNOWS these films, he LOVES them-an attitude which you'll share after finishin' this book (although you'll find yourself comin' back again...and again...)"

Now I know how Yoshitsune felt when his brother Yoritomo turned on him like a rabid dog and had him killed. Treachery, thy name is Galloway! Well, at least Obenjo’s got HIS head in the right place. I’d turn on Pat and rip him a new one just like they’re always doin’ in Hollywood tell-all books, but after all, he DID send me those hot pics of Reiko-chan, so’s I suppose I’ll be a forgivin’ soul for now. I guess what really burns me is that now Ko says “Look at that Pat Galloway-he’s going places and here you are, still mooching financing for movies off my father”. Well, maybe next time I’ll set my sights higher and mooch a budget high enough to where we don’t have to shoot the whole thing in an aisle of Kinokuniya. I mean, the old guy paid off his house with what he made off my last classic-and what I ended up with wasn’t enough to pay for the new clothes HIS DAUGHTER buys in the course of a month. Not that I’m complainin’, since she does look awfully sexy in those skirted business suits…

And what’s up with that damn Hikonyan? In another post on the SA, that dumbass cat unveils his grand plans for “Hikonyan’s Guide to Japanese History”. Not only didn’t he (she, really-it’s a chick in the suit) give me an opportunity to be part of it, but Hikonyan hadn’t even clued me in on it in advance. And after all the gigs I gave her providin’ entertainment fer the kids at Studio events. It really is a dog eat dog situation in the world of filmdom, except in this case, it’s a cat.


August 18, 2008-Ever wonder what happens to nutcases that get bounced from the Samurai Archives Forum? Where do they go to lick their wounds? What do they do to salvage the shattered remnants of an overbearin’ and fragile ego? Well, the Brickster has never given this weighty question much thought-after all, there’re more practical concerns like grocery shoppin’ and tryin’ to sneak back in the house undetected after midnight. But the issue was raised recently when a fellow forum member (who shall remain nameless, as he’s obviously a member of the Secret Japan Hater’s Club) brought to the Brickster’s attention the recent activity of banned member and Bullshido prophet Kato Kiyomasa. After his elitist and racist attitude earned him the heave-ho from the Samurai Archives Citadel, it was presumed he retreated to his secret underground lair in order to plot his revenge. And when he reemerged, it was for the purposes of formin’ an alliance with the SA’s greatest foe-Wikipedia. Only thing is, they didn’t seem to want him there either.

Now, Kato was pretty obsessed and messed up on his own-and when combined with the royal cluster that is Wikipedia, it’s kinda like a Reese Cup-two great sources of humor in one package fer yer readin’ amusement. HERE'S the original talk page for ‘Samurai’ on Wiki where he dumped dozens of the same sort of posts that he used to leave here-and HERE'S the user talk page for his ID-one of ‘em, anyway (WARNIN'-GOIN' TO THESE LINKS MIGHT BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR SANITY). Since he doesn’t have a Wiki account and posts from several computers, he shows up under several IP’s. Notice that Kato doesn’t even bother signin’ his deluge of posts (they’re shown as ‘unsigned’ with his IP number), and engages in the same cycle of relyin’ totally on ‘house codes’ to attempt to prove his points and layin’ down personal insults. Everyone who doesn’t agree with him is a ‘peasant’, ‘teenager playing video games’, ‘a hater of Japanese culture’, ‘naïve Westerner’…you get the idea. Now, this bein’ Wiki, he may be right, particularly about the teenagers playin’ video games. And look at all those posts since he was banned from SA-dozens and dozens, even hundreds, of ‘em. Only about four of five of them were actually additions or changes to articles (most all of which were speedily changed back). The balance were posts on Talk Pages that Kato made rippin’ on everyone else and spreadin’ the gospel of Bullshido accordin’ to him, includin’ his absolutely jaw-droppin’ magnum opus, the Bushido FAQ-a testament to all that is Sammyrai. Intrestin’ly enough, Kato also gives a different personal name than he did here on the archives-he claims to be Japanese, but let’s just say that Vegas ain’t givin’ odds on that bein’ true. At least two native Japanese members of the SA Citadel have expressed their views that he’s far more likely a teenaged American bullshido otaku than Japanese. Another forum member stated that Kato PM’d him and admitted to not bein’ able to read kanji. And by the way, Kato, Tatsu’s still waitin’ on the names of the Jodo temples that the real Kato Kiyomasa supposedly had built-the ones that you claimed your ‘family built and lived in’ and that ‘the names would be no problem to supply’…but obviously were, since you never did.

Like all obsessed evil would-be masterminds, Kato also lays out his master plan-a master plan that was foiled by the quick thinkin’ of Kitsuno on SA before Kato was able to put it into full effect. In Kato’s own words (punctuation and all caps left just like I found it), here it is:

There is no Impasse. I am going to make sure this disinformation campaign is ended. Book sales will drop when I am through with these people (by 'these people', laughin' boy is referrin' to historians Hurst, Conlan, and Friday-The Brickster). My posts and quotes directly contradict the statements of historians and expose their lack of knowledge and shallow research, especially regarding the Hagakure. These statements will be their undoing.



I dunno about anyone else, but for me Conlan’s work with the Mongol Scrolls is worth every BS house code ever penned put together. Kato also seems to conveniently neglect the fact that native Japanese historians are sayin’ the exact same things that Conlan, Friday, et al, do (probably because Kato doesn’t read Japanese). He states that he plans on floodin’ every Japanese History Site and Forum he can find with his disinformation in order to achieve his aims. Yeah, I can see academics everywhere quakin’ in their boots in fear of Kato. Thomas Conlan and Karl Friday hover by their mailboxes, waitin’ for an invitation to History Channel that will be long in comin’. No doubt, sales of Western-authored Japanese history texts on Amazon have fallen to all-time low levels (except, of course, Kato’s fav’rit historian, William Scott Wilson, who actually ain’t a historian at all). But the Samurai Archives Bookstore will continue to carry these forbidden tomes in its inventory, so fear not, ye seekers of the truth.

Now, Kato’s antics in and of themselves are quite the entertainin’ spectacle-but almost as funny is the reaction of the Wikipedians.

They respond to Kato in the typical mix of changin’ his changes to their changes that are changed again-and engagin’ in long toothless discourses with him that go round and round and end up nowhere. Every once in a while a ray of reason shines through (like one poster that requested Kato ‘stop changing the articles from historical fact to reflect YOUR idealized version of what they should say’), but in general they’re performin’ the typical Wiki circle jerk. Kato responds to them with an avalanche of disjointed ramblin’s, insults, and house codes that have little to do with what is bein’ discussed. Then they express their outrage, don’t ban him, and the cycle repeats. Sprinkled in amongst these exchanges are some real gems-one poster wanted to use a History Channel special on samurai as a source, and some Wikipedian named Brad Traylor agreed and stated that he thought History Channel was a perfectly valid source. There were also the requisite posts discussin’ the role of ninja vs that of the samurai, just to give equal time to Ninjer specialists. One particularly hilarious post examined the role of the Ninjer in formulatin' any theory of Bushido. Hoooo-boy. The entire experience was like watchin’ a 3 Ring Circus, with Kato as the dancin’ bear in the center ring, poor Conlan bein’ shot out of a cannon, and the Wikipedians bein’ the 50 or so clowns stuffed in the undersized Klown Kar. It just goes to show, you can take the Kato out of Samurai Archives-but you can’t take the loony out of Kato.

August 11, 2008-The Brickster and Koyori were goin’ to Osaka Castle this week to film some bumpers for Abarenbo Gaijin promos, so I figured I’d query the castle up on the net to see what might be intrestin’ to check out. I clicked on the first choice, which I thought was the Samurai Archives Wiki but turned out to be regular crappy Wikipedia. Now, don’t get me wrong-regular Wikipedia is useful if you need information on a video game, movie, TV show, or some other form of pop culture-but for historical information it’s pretty damn sad. As if it wanted to prove its historical inadequacy to the Brickster, a few clicks later I found myself starin’ at another controversy centerin’ on that infamous Samurai Wiki stealin’ bastard, Darin Fidika.

Despite bein’ banned several times under several different ID’s (like Exiled Ambition as shown above, and several other ID’s includin’ Testicle Buddha or somethin’), Fidika continues to copy and paste articles from the Samurai Archives and the SA Wiki, add a line or two of poorly written nonsense that adds nothin’, and claim that they’re his original works. This time around, Fidika drug in the credibility of the Samurai Archives Wiki as a source. Readin’ his defense of it was hilarious in its ineptitude-he claims it’s a fine source since it uses historical video games such as Nobunaga’s Ambition extensively as sources (of course, it doesn’t use vid games as a source at all), and at one point says the Samurai Wiki is “unreliable” and by “no means a source that is suitable for distribution onto Wikipedia (even though that’s what he’s doin’)”-kinda strange claims to be makin’ about somethin’ yer tryin’ to defend. He was set upon by a pack of admins and his responses were equally as laugh inducin’. He called the admins a bunch of peasants and said that when the governin’ body was capable of passin’ judgment on their intellectual superiors that the system was fundamentally flawed. It was a lot like listenin’ to former SA board member Kato Kiyomasa, and Fidika’s cut ‘n paste antics kinda made me wonder if they might not be one and the same-but I digress. We all know Fidika’s a clown, but readin’ further into the conversation it turned out the Wiki ‘Japanese History Admin Experts’ were every bit as bad.

Many of them turned up their noses at Samurai Wiki, includin’ an SA board member who’s worked quite a bit on it (Lord Ameth). Since Kitsuno (SA Wiki’s owner) doesn’t WANT it to be used as a source and regular Wiki frowns upon usin’ other wikis as a source, it’s fine if they don’t want it used on those grounds. But several of the regular Wiki Japanese History folks went out of their way to badmouth SA Wiki. One goofball named Hoary stated that SA Wiki was “…not a reliable source.” Another complete idiot by the name of Kotoito stated that the Samurai Archives and the Wiki were largely fictional since they used works of fiction such as Rekishi Gunzou as sources. This led to a passage where it was stated that Rekishi Gunzou shouldn’t be used, but that quality English books such as those written by Dr. Stephen Turnbull should be employed instead. Now, these bozos don’t seem to realize that Turnbull uses Rekishi Gunzou for about half his sources, with his own books providin’ the other half-so accordin’ to their logic, he shouldn’t be used either. And of course, it totally ignores the fact that Rekishi Gunzou is a pretty solid source, fallin’ somewhere in between Osprey books and academia-definitely not fiction.

Since Lord Ameth seemed to be a pretty nice and well meanin’ kid while he was an active poster on the SA Citadel, I’ll refrain from rippin’ him too much. But while he was here, he was constantly bein’ corrected by other members of the board. He seemed primarily focused on Edo period history and the Ryukyu islands in particular, and was lackin’ in most other periods. For example, there’s a post by him on the Wiki entry for the 1592 samurai invasion of Korea that states samurai armor was made of bamboo-somethin’ most every other SA member would immediately know to be erroneous. However, he states that the Samurai Wiki shouldn’t be used for Wikipedia, even though he admits that the quality of it is much better than regular Wiki! This seemed to be the consensus opinion on Wiki-even though they recognized Samurai Wiki was more solid with better references and more accurate work than their own stuff, it was still deemed unsuitable. Seems a bit like ‘Wiki Elitism’ to me. While there seemed to be a couple of people who know what they’re doin’ (Mangojuice for one, and Tadakuni, who pointed out to Fidika that SA Wiki doesn’t use games but books for its sources), the farcical lack of ability to deal with Darin Fidika along with the borin’ by the numbers Edo period crap they churn out marks regular Wikipedia as a Japanese history wasteland (as opposed to Japanese language Wikipedia, which is generally quite good).

So what do they like as sources? Professionally published books. Personally, I prefer to take each source on its own merits or lack thereof, since a professionally published book can be every bit as error filled, self servin’, and full of crap as you could want, whereas an off-the-cuff scrawled note written on a napkin by someone knowledgeable like Tony Bryant could be far superior. Case in point-Wiki’s entry on the 47 Ronin.

A while back I was readin’ the historical notes supplied with Samurai Cinema’s 47 Ronin DVD. They were about as lopsided, inaccurate, and outdated as it gets-the Brickster was left wonderin’ “Where the hell did they come up with THIS pile of dung?” Sure enough, at the end of the presentation, it was revealed they got the info straight from Wikipedia. When the Brickster went to investigate, the entire regular Wiki article turned out to be the worst type of unrealistic, old-fashioned idiotic ronin glorification one is likely to run across. It stated many things as fact that are known to be fictional events drawn from puppet plays and Edo period novels. And what, by far, was the primary and accepted source for this article? None of the newer and excellent works both here and in Japan that have been done on the Ronin legend exposin’ many of its traditional fallacies. Nope, they used Mitford’s “Tales Of Old Japan”, a book around 130 years old that is largely made up of myths and legends and is considered extremely outdated and unreliable. But yet, it’s perfectly fine by Wiki standards. To be fair, some more knowledgeable individual had flagged the article as (in so many words) written with an agenda. But that brings up another problem with regular Wiki-it’s a big circle jerk. The admins and contributors spend most of their time changin’ other people’s stuff, talkin’ about changin’ other people’s stuff, havin’ other people change their stuff, arguin’ about other people changin’ their stuff, and changin’ the changes other people made to their stuff that is subsequently changed back again-it’s kind of a ‘last man editin’ kind of thing. That, and they spend a lot of time givin’ each other awards and gladhandin’ (like Ameth crowin’ that while he’s the ‘chief contributor of Pre-Modern and Early Modern’ Japanese history, he still wants to bestow some award on another doofus) . That’s a big difference from SA Wiki where all opinions and points of view are welcomed and changes are discussed among all the participants before anythin’ is changed or added. Any article without solid sources (judged on an individual basis rather than a blanket policy) is removed. The people on SA Wiki are also generally better-rounded in their knowledge about all eras of Japanese history rather than focusin’ on the Edo period.

So really, whether or not Fidika rears his ugly head again (and it’s more a question of ‘when’ rather than ‘if’), regular Wiki is pretty much useless for Japanese history when you can have SA Wiki or Japanese Wiki instead. But regular Wiki is more valuable when it comes to gettin’ laughs or findin’ out Pam Anderson’s bust size.


August 4, 2008-Today we were filmin’ an episode where Koyori and her shrine maidens dress up in Japanese schoolgirl uniforms, usin’ subterfudge to sneak past an outpost of Choshu han loyalist thugs/drunkards durin’ the Bakamatsu. Now, since Ko an’ me are married, I’ve seen her in and out of all sorts of different outfits. But today I found my attention wanderin’ and my mind beginnin’ to blank the more I looked at her. It was a lot like dozin’ off, ‘cept you gained the bonus of major wood. When a gust of wind came by, it lifted her skirt slightly and revealed she was wearin’ a pair of Hikonyan panties-and the next thing the Brickster remembers was gettin’ yelled at by some of the grips as I blundered into a lightin’ standard and sent it crashin’ into the backdrop. I suppose I should count myself lucky that I wasn’t around movin’ vehicles, bodies of water, or an open manhole cover while I was under this spell. But it got me to thinkin’-just what is it about the Japanese schoolgirl uni that gives it that magical effect?

The fabled Japanese ‘sailor suit’ schoolgirl uniform was adopted early in the Meiji era by the Japanese government as it attempted to set up an education system comparable to that found in the west. The boy’s uniforms were modeled on Prussian military tunics, and the girl’s uniforms were modeled on British sailor’s uniforms. It’s likely that Western advisors were instrumental in designin’ the sailor suit-many believe that psychologists and practitioners of the black arts (among them the Secret Japan Hater’s Club) combined to produce an outfit that would mesmerize generations of Japanese men, sappin’ their will to work and makin’ them easy victims of foreign propaganda and mind control (except for the Date, who were impervious to logic). But, in the words of Dr. Edelman to Dr. Frankenstein, “You have created a monster and it will destroy you”. The uniform had the opposite effect, makin’ Japanese men frenzied and hyper, and allowed the Meiji government to skillfully manipulate and displace their lust into aggression. Over time, this had the indirect effect of makin’ the Japanese think they could win an ill-advised war against the United States and plunged the country into disaster.

Post war, the uniform spread its influence like a plague, reachin’ the West and indoctrinatin’ its men into the cult of the uni. Exports such as anime, manga, and cosplay all began to sap the will of Western men as well. Perhaps if Japan had pursued this ‘economic warfare’ before WWII, they would have won the war without firin’ a shot. At the very least, had the Japanese High Command sent uniformed schoolgirls armed with ‘Hello Kitty’ paraphernalia into battle, the Americans wouldn’t have stood a chance at Guadalcanal or Iwo Jima.

Some would try to explain away the mystique of the uni by reducin’ it to just a case of dirty old perverts chasin’ after girls. But that flies in the face of established evidence and only scratches the surface. The Brickster, for example, has a fan base made up largely of schoolgirls-and while he thinks they’re the greatest (and also fine co-conspirators when he needs to be smuggled out of the subway after mistakenly enterin’ the ‘ladies only’ car), he doesn’t feel the need to chase after teens. I mean, c’mon-lets let the kids be kids while they can enjoy it. No, the fact is, virtually every Japanese woman regardless of age has a schoolgirl uniform secreted away in their closet arsenal-and they know how to use them. Don’t be fooled-Japanese woman have long recognized the debilitatin’ effects of this garment on males. Over the years, it’s even been upgraded with further enhancements like leg warmers, floppy socks, the aforementioned Hikonyan panties, and penny loafers. High school girls choose what school they will attend based on the uniforms it offers. Koyori has several different schoolgirl unis hidden away, and doesn’t hesitate to break them out when she wants a special favor or wishes to reward the Brickster.

Skeptics would claim that it couldn’t be the outfit-after all, many schools in the west also use uniforms, and while they have a handful of adherents, fall far short of the allure of the Japanese versions. But this argument ignores two important factors: 1) they ain’t sailor suits; 2) Japanese women generally age much slower than their Western counterparts (every one of the Japanese women pictured here is over 21, and one's in her thirties-ceptin' of course, the two gals helpin' the Brickster escape Kyoto station). Ko is in her thirties, but looks all the world like she’s fifteen. There’s even an annual beauty contest where Japanese mothers wear the school uniforms of their daughters, and the effect is devastatin’. Pick up a Japanese men’s adult magazine (like Beppin, Popsy, Cream, or the Brickster’s fave, Beppin School), and a huge percentage of the photos are comprised of adult women wearin’ (and not/hardly wearin’) the unis. Anime and manga are loaded with heroines decked out in the famed sailor suit. It’s everywhere. Men have no choice but to fall victim.

I would present the hypothesis that on their own, Japanese women and the Japanese ‘sailor suit’ schoolgirl uniforms have about the same effect as their Western equivalents (although it’s true that it’s Western cousins the French Maid outfit, the Nurse outfit, and the Biker Chick outfit represent a fragmented and sometimes unreliable database of Western proclivities). It’s when they’re combined that they reach their true potential and become the deadly machines of seduction that they are famed as. Consider this-extensive experiments conducted by the Brickster reveal that Western women in the Japanese schoolgirl uniform generally look like overstuffed wannabes (with notable exceptions). Likewise, Japanese women in other traditionally sexy outfits such as lingerie tend to come off as comparable to their curvy Western counterparts (again, with some exceptions). But the combination of Japanese women and sailor suits proves to be much more than the sum of its parts. Like two inert chemicals that when combined produce an explosion, Japanese women and sailor suits unite to present the ultimate in amorous feminine charm (that also usually ends in an explosion of sorts). There is no known antidote for men (aside from bein’ gay)-but I can’t say I’m too concerned about that.

There’s also a dark side to the power of the uniform. Like all weapons, there are those who would abuse its power. There are currently many serial killers at large that have harnessed the mesmerizin’ effects of the schoolgirl uniform in order to lull their prey into a state of stupefaction before strikin’. Here’s an artist’s rendition of one of America’s better known serial killers who has taken to employin’ this deception:

The Brickster has written up the results of his years of research under the title of “Japan’s Answer to the Bikini: Schoolgirl Uniforms and the Ramifications of Postwar Reconstruction” and submitted it for publication to Monumenta Nipponica at Sophia University. Even those of you not of a scholarly bent should pick up a copy-it’s lavishly illustrated and will also include a DVD.