Who's Who In The World Of Abarenbo Gaijin

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Me an' the cast of episode 1 on set!

  • Brick McBurly-yours truly, a modern day American cheeseball Japanese historian and archaeologist who finds himself transported back through time to the Sengoku Jidai (and beyond) when he recites an arcane Shingon Buddhist scroll found inside a statue of Prince Shotoku.  The incredibly handsome Brickster seeks to find a way back to his own time while helpin' the tapestry of Japanese history unfold as it should (and scorin' with as many chicks as possible along the way). Brick may not be the smartest, strongest, or most skilled guy around-but he's one of the craftiest. The studio wanted to keep the character's name the same as mine to cash in on the name recognition from my status as a 'gaijin tarento' on Japanese entertainment shows. I'll also be playin' Popeye McBurly, my ancestor on board one of Perry's Black Ships.
  • Perfesser Chiba Tsunetane (Chiba Naomasa)-Brick's mentor/employer and expert in the field of Japanese mythology and the supernatural.
  • Shrine Maiden Koyori (Koyori McBurly)-leader of a group of Warrior Shrine Maidens pledged to protect the homes of kami from maraudin' samurai, Koyori pledges fealty to Brick after he accidently defeats her in single combat (hey, it's better to be lucky than good). Koyori's the mistress of the naginata and possesses mad skillz, but is far less successful in tryin' to keep Brick on the righteous path.
  • Abe No Seimei (tenatively Nomura Mansai)-providin' comic relief for the series will be Brick’s sidekick, the famed onmyoji Abe No Seimei. Seimei finds himself sent several hundred years into the future to the Sengoku Jidai when, durin' a drunken stupor, he botches an exorcism rite. The two displaced adventurers decide to team up to seek a way back to their respective eras. Seimei's magic has a way of comin' and goin', producin' unexpected results and winnin' plenty of bets in Sengoku drinkin' establishments.
  • Miyamoto Musashi (comedian Hard Gay )
  • -Season 1's weekly nemesis-the self professed master swordsman makes his rep by claimin' for hisself the feats of others-includin' Koyori's. He sees the unarmed Brick as a perfect way to inflate his rep, but finds out the hard way that it ain't that easy. He continues turnin' up from time to time, tryin' to get his revenge on the Brickster.
  • Susa-no-o (tenatively GACKT)-Season 2's weekly nemesis-a livin' man-god and a legendary figure of Ancient Japan who historically slew the eight headed serpent Orochi and claimed Kusanagi (one of the three pieces of the Imperial Regalia, and necessary to become Emperor). Susa-no-o's strength is matched only by his short temper and lack of brains. When Brick beats him to slayin' Orochi and ends up with the famous sword Kusanagi, Susa-no-o becomes his mortal enemy. Foolin' around with Susa-no-o's sister Amaterasu and that Brick-sized wedgie he got proably didn't help things, either.
  • Hattori Hanzo I-XII (Shmou Kosugi)-Season 3's weekly nemesis-ninja master of the Ego Ninja Clan, Hanzo is ordered by his master Tokugawa Ieyasu to steal Brick's esoteric Shingon scroll that holds the secrets of time travel. Through a series of mishaps, he is joined in his quest by the next eleven family chiefs of the Hattori clan. Hanzo is a bumbler who tends to cover up his lack of real mystical skill by utilizing cheap parlor tricks (which are always accompanied by a shout of "TA-DAAAAAA!!!!!"), but as a samurai is accomplished in traditional styles of combat. He somehow always comes up with egg on his face due to Brick's dumb luck.
  • Painless-the Brickster's non-lethal weapon of choice in Season 1, a sawed off boat oar. Bein' a peace lovin' Buddhist an' all, Brick don't believe in killin' his enemies, which comes in handy when you need to bring them back for another episode.
  • Kusanagi-Season 2's weapon of choice. A more lethal weapon pulled from the butt of Orochi, the Brickster uses the flat of its blade to avoid killin' his foes. You never know-they might have cute sisters, and I wouldn't want to get them all upset with me. Kusanagi is loaded with mystical energy, makin' it effective when combatin' the supernatural foes of Season 2.
  • Sainenjiyari-Because the guys in merchandisin' need somethin' new to sell to the kids, the Brickster acquires yet another new weapon in Season 3. This is the fabled spear of Hattori Hanzo, which has survived fire, earthquakes, and American fire bombings of Tokyo to survive to the present day. When Hanzo runs away and leaves it behind, Brick decides it's just the thing for him. The Brickster tends to wrap the blade and use it as a staff so the kids watchin' (and their cute moms) don't get all angry from excessive violence on the Brickster's part. After all, that's what we have Koyori for.
  • Maiden of the Week-just like in Star Trek, someone needs to be cannon fodder. So Koyori's troop always has a sacrificial maiden ready to give her life for Brick every week. We're linin' up lots of gorgeous guest stars eager to appear in the series-you might see Uchiyama Rina, Matsushima Nanoka, or some other babe on any given episode.
  • Tons' O Guest Stars!-There are all sorts of famous Japanese historical figures pepperin' the Abarenbo Gaijin landscape-Oda Nobunaga, Kondo Isami, Date Masamune, Uesugi Kenshin, William Adams, Tokugawa Ieyasu, Takeda Katsuyori, Akechi Mitsuhide, Ishida Mitsunari, Sakamoto Ryoma, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Izumo Okuni, and bunches more. More word on who's playin' who as filmin' continues.

Season 1 Episodes-13 one hour episodes plus a two hour final episode:all episode titles will be rendered in English, and the actress that plays Koyori will be doin' a short segment at the end of every episode on Western culture and humor that a Japanese audience might not ‘get’:

1) ”The Oar Is Mightier Than The Sword”:Brick is transported through time to Sengoku Japan where he meets Koyori, Abe, and runs afoul of Miyamoto Musashi.

2) ”Weather Or Not”:Takeda Katsuyori plans his Nagashino strategy around Brick’s weather forecasting skills.

3) ”The Hot Seat”:Brick tries to save the hard headed daimyo of Echigo, Uesugi Kenshin, by installing modern plumbing at his castle.

4) ”The Gaijin Lies At Honno-ji”:Akechi Mitsuhide finds himself at Honno-ji when he borrows Brick’s GPS. Hilarity ensues.

5) ”Maiden Japan”:This episode focuses on Koyori’s life before Brick showed up. Featured is her voyage to the Vatican where she requests that the Pope quit sending those damn Jesuits.

6) ”Date With Destiny”:Brick masquerades as Date Masamune at Odawara-jo in an attempt to stem Hideyoshi’s anger with the one-eyed dragon.

7)  ”The Adams Family”:Brick attempts to spring Will Adams from prison by posing as his older brother, later forgoing the plan when Adams admits he would, in fact, prefer a boy.

8) ”Propensity To Die”:In this tribute to Makai Tensho, all of the people Brick has screwed over in Japan (usually inadvertently) come back to life seeking revenge.

9) ”Shinsangumi”:Wise Shogun Yoshimune and Brick work together to stymie the plans of corrupt Shogunate officials and Edo merchants. This is the BIG ONE, at least for me. Matsudaira Ken reprises his role as Yoshimune along with many of the former cast. In a nod to the recent Zatoichi remake, the episode ends with Yoshimune, Brick, and the warrior maidens performing the samba at a local festival.

10) ”Honest Abe”:This episode focuses on Abe No Seimei. Brick bets the washed up onmyoji that he can’t go an entire week without trying to scam free food and drinks with cheap magic tricks.

11) ”Yakupalooza”:In this tribute to the Zatoichi films, Brick foils the plans of a crooked crime boss attempting to take over the local town festival.

12) ”Whack-A-Moto”:Brick tries to protect Sakamoto Ryoma from assassination, but Ryoma believes he’s a hired gun sent by evil arms dealer Thomas Glover to kill him.

13) ”The Lust Samurai”:Brick and Koyori come to an understanding against the backdrop of Saigo’s rebellion. Brick masterfully sets up Saigo in revenge for ‘those idiots from Choshu, Tosa, and Satsuma ruinin' everythin'’.

Two Hour Final:”Musashi’s Mama”:Just as Brick is about to reach his proper time, Seimei screws up and they begin where it all started. Brick must figure out a way to defeat Musashi’s troll like, seemingly invincible mama.

Abarenbo Gaijin Season 2 Episodes-13 one hour episodes plus a two hour final episode:

1) "O, Susa-no!"-McBurly and his entourage find themselves back in the earliest days of Japan after Seimei’s latest attempt at controlled time travel goes bad (again). Brick has his pizza-man stolen by the legendary eight headed serpent, Orochi,  and in the process of kicking the scaly beast’s hide and recovering his dinner comes into possession of the fabled ‘grass cutting sword’, Kusanagi. This doesn’t sit well with the man-god Susa-no-o, who sees the sword as his provenance.

2) "Onerymyoji"-Seimei gets a swelled head when the group finds itself involved with the Imperial Court during the Heian era. Now back in his own time, Seimei basks in the adulation of the court amid exaggerated tales of his exploits. Brick and Koyori find themselves forced to become his menial vassals in order to escape execution as Yokai, and the duo plot to bring Seimei back to his lovable drunken self.

3) "Genpein"-the lovely courtesan Shizuka does a headlong fall for Brick, which incurs the wrath of her erstwhile patron, Minamoto no Yoshitsune. To make matters worse, warrior monk Benkei develops an infatuation with Seimei. Yoshitsune decides to kill two birds with one stone and sets off after Brick’s band. As the Brickster hightails it down a hill with Shizuka in tow, Yoshitsune follows them down and inadvertently finds fame as he emerges in the middle of the Taira camp at Ichinotani.

4) "Dimyo"-Takeda Shingen cons Brick into acting as his double after he hears about an assassination plot being hatched by Tokugawa Ieyasu. While the wily Tiger Of Kai smugly congratulates himself, he’s in for a rude awakening when his female bodyguards (led by Lady Kae) take a liking to Brick and finger the real Shingen for Ieyasu’s hit squad.

5) "Snitchokoki"-Ota Gyuichi makes off with Brick’s copy of “The Samurai Sourcebook”. He uses the book as a guide to advising his lord, Oda Nobunaga, on what actions to take and which to avoid in his efforts to unite the country. Brick, realizing that this is, after all, a Turnbull book, knows that following that course will be fraught with unexpected danger for Nobunaga.

6) "Kiyomasa’s Great Korean Pussy Hunt" (with a script based on a story by the SA’s own Obenjo Kusanosuke)-Brick attempts to prevent Kato Kiyomasa’s captive, a beautiful Korean Princess, from being ripped in half by enticing the hot-headed killer Kiyomasa to join him on a tiger hunt. Seimei and Koyori don a tiger suit and succeed in luring the rather dull Kiyomasa away. However, the ploy backfires when a real tiger takes a shining to the ersatz feline. Brick must face the quandary of rescuing both the Princess and his two friends.

7) "Kellogg’s Pope Tarts"-When corrupt Jesuit Heinrich Kellogg (played by special guest star Stephen Seagull) attempts to smuggle Japanese prostitutes out of Japan and to the Vatican, he does so by disguising them as Catholic Nuns. By posing as a European falconry instructor, the Brickster enlists the aid of Shogun Tokugawa Ieyasu and gains entrance to the Black Ship as a Shogunal envoy. Brick decides it’s time to ‘get into the habit’ of saving these girls from a fate worse than death, setting them free to whore themselves out where they belong.

8 ) "Stiff Competition"-back from Season One, former Christian rebel and necromancer Amakusa Shiro returns from the grave to wreak vengeance on Brick. He does so by entrancing Koyori, turning her to his cause and using her against Brick. Faced with the choice of dying at her hands or being forced to slay her, Brick struggles to find a way out of this impossible situation.

9) "The Mongrel Invasion"-Brick manages to finagle himself into Shogun Tokugawa Tsunayoshi’s good graces, and is appointed to the highest office in the Bakufu. Unfortunately for him, this turns out to be Keeper Of the Shogunate Kennels. When evil minister Yanagisawa Yoshiyasu turns loose a horde of rabid animals in Edo in an effort to discredit Brick, Keeper McBurly must swallow his pride and enlist the aid of that pesky sawed off runt, Corky The Wonder Dog, to identify the mastermind.

10) "Wild Kingdom"-Brick finds a kindred spirit in the Lord Of Ako, the drunken lecher Lord Asano Naganori. Asano’s ‘Neverland’ castle and ‘anything goes’ fief makes the Yoshiwara district look like the Vatican on Easter Sunday. The friendship proves to be short lived after Asano, losing at ‘Truth Or Dare’ during a drinking bout, takes up the double-dog dare (well, it IS during Tsunayoshi’s reign) of drawing his sword in Edo castle.

11) "The Wolf Of Mibu"-wanting to gift Koyori on her birthday and thinking he is enrolling her in a local dojo, Brick mistakenly enlists in the Shinsengumi. Hilarity ensues when the other members discover that Brick actually likes women, marking him for death.

12) "Face Off"-the Brickster displays the true scope of his acting range in this episode, playing four additional roles co-opted from his most popular films-the drunken womanizer Gyonyo (from the TV series ‘The Mountain Aesthetic’), the drunken womanizer Kuraku’d Tengu (from the TV special ‘Kuraku’d Tengu), the drunken womanizer Karuza Toma (from the film ‘The Lust Samurai’), and the drunken womanizer Orugasuma Eito (from the mega-hit film ‘Shogun Sexecutioner’). Trouble brews when the Evil Teamaster, Sen No Nagaeyari (from the TV series ‘The Bitter Teamaster’, where Brick played his nemesis Sam Adams), contrives to have all five of his enemies wander into Kyoto at the same time. When there isn’t enough sake or geisha to go around, a turf war erupts amongst the five.

13) "Tales Of The Atari"-When Brick takes out a room full of shishi in a barroom brawl, Choshu Han wants revenge. Thinking only Western ways can defeat Western ways, they hire the Australian ninja Heian Learn and her Tribe of secret assassins and samurai, the Atari, to punch the Brickster's ticket.

Two Hour Final: "Kofun Nails"-One of Susa-no-o’s schemes finally works and Brick is trapped inside a kofun, where he finds an angry Amaterasu (who has been hiding out inside since being ‘loved and left’ by the Brickster in episode one). Brick must not only survive the wrath of the jilted living Goddess, but also entice her to the outside world and bring light back to Japan. And after that, there’s the matter of the man-god Susa-no-o awaiting his turn for a showdown….

Abarenbo Gaijin Season 3 Episodes-13 one hour episodes plus a two hour final episode:

1) "The Ego Ninja Clan"-Known as the most arrogant band of ninja with feelings of entitlement in the land, the Ego Ninja clan set their sights on Brick’s Shingon ‘Time Travel’ scroll. When the group unleashes their flunky Hattori Hanzo to steal it, the combination of mystical ninjer power and Brick’s stupidity results in Hattori Hanzo I through the XII ending up in the same time period-and all looking for the scroll. Costarring Shmou Kosugi as the Hanzos.

2) "Public Enema #1"-it’s 1594 and Ishikawa Goemon is robbing the wealthy citizens of the Capital blind. As it turns out, Seimei’s the spitting image of the master thief. He’s hauled in and scheduled to be executed. Can Brick stop laughing long enough to clear Seimei’s good name before the gentile onmyoji is treated to a fleshy enema by his cellmates and then boiled alive by the Taiko?

3) "Kawabungajima"-Looking for a great vacation spot, Brick recalls that historian Karl Friday called Kawanakajima an island during the course of a History Channel interview (BRICK’S NOTE-Yes, he actually did). When he hears that fellow sake aficionado Uesugi Kenshin plans to go there and deploy his water wheel, that seals the deal. Brick packs up his surfboard and heads off, finding himself in the middle of a pitched battle between the Uesugi and Takeda.

4) "Ichi Meets The Three Legged Swordsman"-when Brick decides to romance the blind traveling musician Ichi, he’s unaware that’s she’s a master swordswoman and the daughter of the legendary masseur/gambler/drunkard Zatoichi. Giving her his unnecessary protection in an attempt to impress her with his manliness, it’s up in the air who will kill Brick first-the kabukimono gang, Koyori, or Ichi.

5) "Her Majesty’s Secret Servicer"-Brick’s Great-Great-Grandfather, Popeye McBurly, has been sent by his lover Queen Victoria of England on a sekrit mission to recover a prized stolen tea set from Choshu extremists. That’s what Popeye claims, anyway. The jolly jack tar’s antics after deserting the English fleet threaten to escalate into an international incident when he joins Brick in thoroughly scouring the Yoshiwara inside and out in an effort to uncover the stolen goods. Will the duo’s rendition of ‘Camptown Races’ ignite the powderkeg that is Bakumatsu Japan? Featuring Brick in a dual role as both himself and Popeye.

6) "The Mirth Spider Tribe"-As a favor to Seimei, Brick sets out with the legendary warrior Raiko (Minamoto no Yorimitsu) to pacify the Earth Spider Tribe on the northeast frontier of Tenth Century Japan. Being a typical male and unable to follow simple directions, Brick instead ends up on the tropical island paradise of the Mirth Spider Tribe-a group of scantily clad gorgeous women addicted to playing practical jokes and performing early versions of Three Stooges routines. They’re women who actually have a sense of humor, something virtually unheard of in the regular world. Can the siren call of these temptresses lure Brick away from his mission of returning to his own time?

7) "O-Jiihad"-When Koyori’s uncle, the famous calligrapher Chiba ‘Sharpie’ Musashi, covers the outside of the Jesuit Church in Azuchi with derogatory graffiti he’s caught red handed by Father Phatazz (played once again by Stephen Seagull). Brick and Koyori must rescue the rascally old codger before he is driven insane by the Jesuit’s attempts at converting him.

8) "The Miyako Hillbillies"-Oil tycoon Saito Dosan has hit a huge vein of bubbling crude, and his relatives have advised him to take his newfound wealth and move to the capital-Miyako, that is. Courtiers…sake bars. Together with his daughter No, redneck samurai son-in-law Oda Nobunaga, Oda’s sister Oichi, and the family’s pet chimp Hideyoshi, Saito moves in next door to Brick and Koyori. The goofy Oda, unsure of whether to become the Shogun or a fry cook, takes offense when Brick develops a hankerin’ for Oichi’s ‘critters’. Only time will tell if Oda gets treated to a heapin’ helpin’ of Brick’s foot up his back passage.

9) "Big Shot"-Master marksman and womanizer Saika Magoichi of the Saika Mercenaries blows into Doju, and the town turns out to be not big enough for him and Brick. Brick, being a Westerner, naturally owns dozens of guns and knows how to use them, but they were all left in the future. When the big showdown occurs at High Hour of the Horse (or is it Rat? We can never keep those two straight…), what chance does the unarmed Brickster have of emerging victorious? Costarring Taira Kiyomori as Henry VI.

10) "Naka’d Up"-It isn’t until after Kiso Yoshinaka’s been killed at the Battle Of Awazu that his mistress, Tomoe Gozen, finds out she’s pregnant with his child. Her day is further ruined when she finds out from Brick that not only does no one in the future believe she existed, but she’ll be the subject of a hack author’s embarrassing fantasy series. The formerly mighty warrior goddess is reduced to a blubbering, weepy shadow of her former self and it’s up to Koyori to restore her into a large breasted, ass kicking machine.

11) "Kondo-San"-Brick hits upon the idea of peddling ‘Taiko-enz’ prophylactics door to door in Bakumatsu era Kyoto. Not only does this make him a small fortune, but it’s a great way to meet chicks as well. Before long, every woman in the city looks forward to ‘Kondo-san’ knocking at their front door. But not everyone’s happy-Brick’s new nickname leads to a case of mistaken identity with Kondo Isami, the leader of the dreaded Shinsengumi. Will the Shinsengumi come knocking on Brick’s back door looking for revenge, or will the wily gaijin’s friend from Shochu han, the mighty Kuraku’d Tengu, save the day? Brick reprises his role as Kuraku’d Tengu from the TV movie of the same name.

12) "He’s Dai Man"-The loathsome, bloated kaiju Hagfat threatens to crush Edo under its bulk and tiresome rhetoric. Brick knows there’s only one man capable of saving the day, and for a change it’s not him. He enlists Koyori’s aid in entreating the great kami Daimajin to battle the corpulent and self righteous shambling monstrosity. Will even the stone god’s fabled Ten Foot Pole be enough to straighten out the hate-filled beast?
With a cameo by Ishikawa Raizo, reprising his ‘Flaming Rider’character from the series of the same name.

13) "Hogen’s Heroes"-Despite his protestations that “I don’t even KNOW these @$$holes!”, Brick is caught up in the sweep of prisoners in the wake of the Hogen Disturbance. He’s cast into the high security Imperial Prison #13 to await his sentence. Luckily, the prison’s commanding officer is the buffoonish Director of the Imperial Stables of the Center, Koroneru Kurinku, who’s much more at home in a linked verse competition or sipping sake with courtesans than he is at enforcing rigid discipline amongst the prisoners. Will Brick be able to engineer a mass escape from the prison before his head is forfeit? More importantly, will he be able to survive without women for that long? Co-starring Shimura Kon as Kurinku.

Two Hour Season Ending Movie: "Cheaper By The Dozen"-All twelve Hanzos, having failed miserably on their own in the first thirteen episodes, decide it’s time to team up and take out Brick once and for all. They unveil their secret weapon-the kunoichi Hattori Hanzo the 69th, seductress supreme who has never failed to get her man. Brick is captured when, confronted by the female ninja, all the blood rushes from his head to…well, you know, and he passes out. Unless Seimei can come up with some onmyoji magic that is good for more than winning free drinks, things look bad for the Brickster.

Abarenbo Gaijin: The Film

"Abarenbo Gaijin: Swords Touching Across Time On The Mystic Island Beyond The Looking Glass (2009)"

Yeah, it's wordy, ain't it? And I'm happy to report that swords ain't the only thing that are touchin'. The basic premise of the movie is that the evil kami Beechou that has the hots for the Brickster (raisin' the question of whether such a wise being can truly be evil) has seen Koyori in the mirror of Amaterasu. She puts Koyori into a coma and ensconces her on the Mystic Island so as to eliminate the competition. However, she's underestimated the Brickster's devotion to his gal (not to mention the fact that she's holdin' the winnin' lottery ticket in the Ako Han Sweepstakes, worth a cool million Ryo). This is another clever cost cuttin' measure since Ko only has to appear in the beginnin' and end of the film, with a body double used the rest of the time.

The Brickster sets out to find the gorgeous Koyori and awaken her from her stupor with a kiss...not to mention some other time-tested esoteric Kama Sutra techniques. Along the way, the Abarenbo Gaijin universe takes its first steps outside the pre-modern eras of Japanese history as the Brickster frantically uses his arcane Shingon scroll and his pal Seimei's dubious onmyodo skillz to travel through dimensions and time lookin' for that damned Mystic Island. Got any idea how many of them there are out there? Some of the worlds include WWII era Japan, a world where spandex clad teams of super heroes battle aliens and monsters, a Manga world (this part's kinda like Roger Rabbit-the real Brickster interacts with long legged chicks in schoolgirl uniforms with swords and eyes the size of dinner plates), the legendary Great Miyako Pillow Fight, and even briefly the Brickster's own time as he reunites with his mentor, elderly professor Chiba Tsunetane. The big surprise arrives when it's revealed that the Professor's deceased daughter (who was mentioned WAY back in episode one of the weekly show) was the reincarnation of Koyori, and holds the key to her revival. Well, I guess it ain't such a surprise now-but anyway, the Brickster foregoes stayin' in his own time to learn the sekrit that will save Koyori (and maybe have a little fun with her reincarnated self-I mean, it's not like it would really be cheatin', or anythin'...).

Both Seimei and Koyori return from the TV series, but there are new characters as well. Pictured is the Brickster and his new sidekick, the ghost of Aruga Kosaku, the Captain of the WWII Japanese Superbattleship Yamato. Aruga decides it'd be lots more fun to scare the hell out of civilians and help out the Brickster than to continue sulkin' in the sunken hull of the Yamato. Hilarity ensures, and the Captain's wacky antics even attract the notice of a well-known group of paranormal investigators and eliminators who I ain't allowed to mention yet since they really ain't licensed. We were gonna go the Chinese route and use the same group with new names to save money, but nobody in the west ever sees my films anyway, so we used 'em anyway. A big hit durin' the holiday season in Japan, it almost made half as much money as the Hamataro cartoon it was released with.